Room of Marvels

This post is a bit of a throwback. I read the book, Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith and was inspired to write this.

I've been stuck. Stuck in this place that has no way out. As I look at the walls growing steadily higher around me I feel lost. I feel so far away from hope; so far away from any chance of being saved. I am sure that there is no way that God could love me and there is no way anyone else could either. I am alone. Everyday I climb and climb but it only feels like I’m falling further and further into this pit.

I am determined to not let anyone know what is going on inside of me. I don’t want them to know how far down I have dropped. So, I put on this mask and pretend that everything is okay. I’m happy, I’m successful, I love life, and I love God and ultimately, everybody thinks I’ve got it all together and I’m doing great. Right? Wrong! That’s what people may think and see but in reality I keep falling further and further from the love I am so desperately seeking (or so I think). I attempt to control my life and control my circumstances in a way that puts me in charge and gives me power but this only makes me feel less and less in control. The more I fake my way through life and attempt to control everything, the more I feel like I’m falling down and falling out of control.

As I read this book by James Bryan Smith, I struggled with myself. How could I, a student leader in Campus Ministries, someone who works in a church have fallen so far out of touch with reality and with God? I laughed and cried my way through this book as if someone was telling the story about my life. Throughout the story, the main character was forced to do things that made him forgive himself, be real with others, and give up his burning desire to control everything in his life. First, he was forced to look in a mirror and forgive himself. I don’t know about you, but I just wondered how many times do I look in the mirror and only condemn myself further? Instead of showing love to myself and forgiving myself, I only show hate and judgement which causes me to slide further and further down. Next, he was forced to take off his mask, give it a good look and throw it away. This one is incredibly hard for me because honestly, sometimes I’m not sure what is real and what is not. My fake face is intertwined so expertly with my real face that I cannot always separate the two. But that’s the challenge. In order for me to ever accept the love of God and learn to accept the love from other people for who I really am instead of who I pretend to be, I have to get rid of my fake face. That’s the only way I can ever begin to heal. The last thing he had to do was to give up his control. I relate so much to this as I desire to control everything in my life. I want to control myself, others, and even the things that happen in my life. But ultimately, that is only going to drag me down. I have to learn to let go of my control and trust that God can and will carry me through this ride of a life.

As the main character nears the end of the story, he is allowed to see that the way he lived his life had a significant impact on others around him. This just made me think about the way I live my life and whether or not that is leaving a positive memory for others or a negative one. Whether I withhold love or I freely give it. Whether I judge everyone or accept them as they are. But I cannot even attempt to make an impact in someone else’s life until I attempt to make an impact in my own. I have to learn to love my real, vulnerable self and let God and others love me inside of my pit. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved because God loves me no matter how far down I have fallen or how helpless I may feel. Once I see how precious and loved I am, I can begin to love others with that same real love.