Transitions for Transformation

Transitions are a part of life. Some are easy. Some maybe not as much. But they happen to everyone. They could be something like changing your major... or they could be something like moving from the wilderness into the Promised Land. A transition isn't something to be feared but rather embraced because just maybe a transition could be setting us up for transformation... 

"There is a new chapter in our story. God will help us enter into a new season in which there is strength for every struggle, grace for every guilt, direction for every question. Greater is He who is in you, than He who is in the world. Joshua didn't tell the people how many circles would have to be made around Jericho, he told them to just keep walking. The walls that kept them out became stepping stones over which they could climb." -Max Lucado

For a while, I felt stuck. I felt as if there was no way out. And no way in. I was not where I was but I was also not where I wanted to be. I was trapped in a never ending cycle of trying to earn the approval of my teachers yet knowing I never would. I kept walking around Jericho. And walking. And walking. For over two years, I walked and walked. I knew that somehow I was getting somewhere but it only felt like I was walking around in circles. 

Now I see that the walls of that Jericho have fallen. 

The voices that were taunting me. The failure I was feeling. The shadows looming over me have fallen. But all of the times that I was talked down to, rejected, and not good enough was teaching me that I deserved better. I knew somewhere in my heart there was a Promised Land out there for me, I just had to have the courage to keep walking in order to find it. And walk I did. And the walls came down. 

"There is strength to face every struggle. There is capacity to face every opportunity." -Max Lucado 

Little did I know three weeks ago, that I would be sitting at home right now in a new school surrounded by new people and new teachers. But here I am. One day I said enough was enough, I gathered all the courage I had and I said no more! I never had that strength by myself. All I knew to do was walk, and God gave me a way out. 

"When you give your heart to Christ, He returned the favor and placed His heart within you and called you an heir, yes, even a co-heir with Christ. Whatever power is available to Christ is available to you." -Max Lucado

I never had the power to bring down Jericho. But I did have the power to walk and be obedient. Right now, I am more thankful than ever that the walls of my Jericho were brought down and that I now have stones to climb over to get to where I want to be. I will never regret the time it took me nor the energy it took me to walk around Jericho. I'm so very thankful for all the lessons it taught me but I'm even more thankful for the joy and healing that can be seen on the other side. In wilderness times maybe there's a Promised Land just up ahead. When feelings of being trapped overwhelm us maybe there's freedom waiting just up ahead. And just maybe, in these moments of transition is where we see the most transformation take place. 

Beauty Can Never Be Achieved

Everyone knows that ballet is for the skinny girls. That's not a stereotype, that's just the truth. For me, I have always been considered heavy or a plus size person in the ballet world so I know the harshness of this truth. I used to believe I was beautiful the way I was. I used to believe I was skinny. I used to not hate myself after eating a bowl of ice cream or an extra piece of pizza. But ballet changed this for me. Tonight as I was standing in ballet class I just had the thought that ballet has completely changed my perception of beauty. For a lot of women, the media has changed their perception of beauty... but that's not the case for me. I know those women are photo-shopped and that they are not the norm of society. But in the ballet world, skinny is the norm and if you aren't perfectly skinny then teachers and directors don't even look at you much less cast you in anything.

This is an extremely hard thing for me because besides judging myself very harshly, I start to judge others harshly too. I see a girl who weighs more than me in class and I just think, "what is she doing here? She's never going to make it in the dance world with that body..." and then I want to shoot myself in the head. Who am I to judge those around me? Why am I conforming to this new perception of beauty?

I absolutely hate that people will say that long skinny legs is the ballet aesthetic. I completely disagree. Ballet is beautiful because of the quality of movement, the grace, and the purpose behind it. The shape of the body is not and was never what made ballet beautiful. But I digress...

As ballet dancers we are told to stand in a leotard and tights every day for hours on end, stare at ourselves in a full length mirror, and pick out our flaws. And if you have ever worn a leotard and tights let me just say that it doesn't hide much. We are constantly told that we shouldn't use the mirror to look at what we are doing right but use it to help us figure out what we are doing wrong. For me, mirrors aren't something that reflect beauty but instead help to magnify the ugly and the faults within me. Mirrors bring the thoughts of what can be fixed, what am I doing wrong, how ugly does that look through my head. And because of this my perception of beauty has changed. Beauty is not inherent in me. Beauty is something that can be achieved... by losing 15 pounds or gaining an extra degree of turnout or pointing my foot harder or getting my leg higher or stretching just a little bit longer. Ballet has taught me that beauty is something to be gained. Ballet has taught me that in order to be beautiful that you have to look just like everyone else. Ballet has taught me that if you eat that extra piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream then you are going to have to stay after class tomorrow and do some extra jumps. Ballet has taught me to judge myself and others based on this narrow range of ideals in what the ballerina should look like and not look like. Ballet has ultimately taught me that beauty can never be achieved.

And I think it's time that that changed. 

It's time for a new ballet beautiful.