It's like you are drowning in an ocean and there is no surface to swim towards...
It's like you are buried in a hole and it continues to get deeper...
It's like you feel everything and nothing all at the same time...
Depression.
I had a teacher and someone I respect very much tell me that being sad and being depressed are just feelings... a mindset to control. She told the class that we needed to grow up and be adults and tackle these things. She said if you are depressed you need to get into the Bible and meditate and everything will be okay, because it's just a feeling that you can control.
Not.
Depression is not just a feeling that can be wished away. It is not just a mindset that can be controlled. Depression can be caused by a number of different things but it's not just a feeling like sadness that comes and goes. It lingers and hangs over someone's life and affects every single thing they do. It walks with them during the day and haunts their dreams at night.
Since there are very few people that will read this, I will come right out and say that I am now on medication for depression. This is something that has controlled my life for the past 5 years. I didn't know the name of this darkness until last year but I have struggled with these same feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anxiety since I was in high school.
People always ask me, are you okay? And I say no... but I don't know why. It just feels like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to breathe. These thoughts are trapped in my head... you're not good enough. You're a failure. You'll never amount to anything. How could you ever make a difference in the world? It's like I feel everything and nothing at the same time. It's an endless void, a black cloud, a never ending sea of hopelessness that I can't seem to get through. Healing is a joke, recovery is a lie. There's no getting out, there's no moving forward. And the problem is, people who have never experienced this, cannot understand what it's like. They can't understand why you're always sad, you're always quiet. It's not something I can just change. I cannot just flip a switch and be happy. You just feel numb. Empty. Worthless. Everything hurts at the same time, yet you can't feel anything at all. Your body is tired but your mind won't let you rest. You feel unimportant. Unseen. Unheard. Not felt. Not loved. This is what depression feels like to me. This is my life.
I really wish people would stop treating people who are depressed as weak and self-seeking. Because we aren't. I wish I could be happy and smiling most of the time. I wish I didn't feel like bursting out in tears every time someone says something to me. I wish I could just get over it. I wish I didn't have to rely on medication.... but I do.
Depression is not just a feeling. It's not just a mindset. You can't just get over it. And if you expect me to, then you are sadly mistaken.
