Loneliness is Lonely

I hear the word 'lonely' all the time. I started thinking about what that word means and what it means in my life. So often, people will tell me that they are lonely like it is some temporary feeling that can be relieved simply by being in good company or in the presence of other people.

According to Merriam Webster, the definition of loneliness is "being without company, cut off from others, or sad from being alone."

This word is close to my heart and my life as a grew up as a social outcast. I never fit in with most girls and because of that I went through alot of pain trying to come to terms and understand all of the feelings of loneliness and isolation that I endured. Until I got to college I had a different view of this word. I always had these overwhelming feelings of loneliness but I didn't think I could be lonely because I was always surrounded by my family, right?

As I've gotten to college I have still struggled with loneliness even though I am surrounded by people. So, I got to thinking. Maybe loneliness isn't just a temporary feeling, maybe it is a disconnect somewhere inside of us. I believe that loneliness wells up within us when there is a disconnect from genuine community. Now, I'm not talking about community in the sense that you go out with some friends to get ice cream. I'm talking about the real community that sits down and talks about what's really going on in their lives. People who will ask the hard questions, go deeper, and want to know the ugly stuff that goes on in our lives (because believe me, everyone has that ugly stuff). That's what real community is. It goes beyond the shallow knee deep type of relationship and dives head first into the deep waters in a person's soul.

These types of relationships don't come along that often, but if they do, you need to hold onto that. Those relationships, as few and far between as they are, are life giving. They are vital for drawing away those feelings of loneliness. And if these relationships don't come there will always be one person who will never leave us.

I hit a really rough period a few weeks ago. I was just laying on my bed feeling as if my heart was going to rip in two. All of the sudden, this song came on my Spotify and I started crying. The song is called "I am not Alone," by Kari Jobe. It paints a beautiful picture of how even in our darkest times, God will go before us so we are never alone. This song touched me and really met me where I was at the time. As I was listening to the song again later, I had an idea start to form in my mind. I decided to make a video that would hopefully capture just a portion of the emotions I felt while listening to this song for the first time.

I decided to center this video around ballet. For some of you, it may be hard to understand, but ballet is not always the easiest environment for me. I often feel alone and isolated with my problems and my struggles. I feel like there is no one who sees me and no one who cares to listen to my heartaches. This song reminded me that there is someone there. He is my Creator and he calls me his child. I am called and I am loved by the One who holds my heart. He hears me. He sees me. Ultimately, I dance because he has never left me. Even though I might sometimes take a few steps back, he never turns away from me.

To the girl...

To the girl who sits alone in the lunch room. To the girl who sits in the back of the classroom at an empty table. To the girl who cries alone in her closet so no one else will hear her.

You matter.

To the girl who doesn't get picked to play at recess. To the girl who doesn't get invited to sleepovers. To the girl who gets left out of group messages.

You matter.

To the girl who will bend over backwards to help someone but doesn't get anything in return. To the girl who smiles because she doesn't want everyone to know how much she's falling apart. To the girl who wonders if things will ever change or if she even deserves for things to change.

You matter.

But no matter how many times you hear it, you're not going to believe it. That's just the way you are. You're the type of person that sees worth in everyone else but yourself. You see beauty in everyone else but yourself. But guess what?

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You matter.

You've probably heard over and over again the fact that God loves you and that you're not alone. But who actually believes that? You probably don't. But whether or not you believe it doesn't make it any less true. You have been chosen for this life you are living because God doesn't always call the popular kids or the people who have successful lives. He calls the tax collectors, the fishers, or an ordinary virgin... he doesn't call the extraordinary. He picks the ordinary and the outcasts time and time again.

You are loved. You are chosen. You matter.

To the girl who's alone... and crying... and wondering whether it's ever going to change. I hear you. I feel you. Because I am you. I am that girl. This is my life.

It's easy for me to write this on my blog and make it look nice and neat and pretty. But it's not. If you are one of these girls then you know. We can read these pretty words all day long and maybe start to believe it in our heads but it seems like it will never make its way into our hearts. But until that day comes, we will just have to keep telling ourselves these pretty words.

We deserve the best. We deserve to be picked first. We matter.

We are beautiful. We are worth it. We matter.

We are loved. We are chosen. We matter.