I left for college and I began to see that that label I wore did not adequately define me. I started to see that maybe I didn't want to be labeled at all. Maybe this label was only a way to shove me into a category so I would look like everyone else.
I came to realize that I did not want to look like everyone else.
I got so caught up in the fact that my identity and who I thought I should be was all wrapped up in what I did. I thought that by sticking this label on myself that someone would want me. Friends would accept me. Teachers would like me. Boys would notice me. I did not realize the danger of this until part way through my freshman year. By wearing that label and defining myself by that, I allowed my identity and my worth to be swayed. Instead of seeing myself as beautiful and loved, I started to see myself as not flexible enough, not turned out enough, not skinny enough, not strong enough. And these "not enoughs" come with anything, not just ballet. But because I had decided to define myself by ballet, the words that were being spoken into me were not only applying to my dancing but to the core of who I was.
A huge climax moment in a dancers life is when the cast list comes out. That tells you who the directors like and don't like, who is good enough and who is not, and who is skinny enough and who is not. As I walked up to check the cast list today, I kept telling myself that this does not define me. This is not where my worth comes from. But of course, after I looked at it I got beat down. The thoughts raced through my head immediately. You aren't good enough. You don't deserve it. You're not skinny enough. You're not _____ enough.... the list goes on and on.
I sometimes imagine God in heaven just shaking his head.... not in anger but in sadness that I just can't seem to grasp the fact that that label does not define me. I am not defined by what part I get in the next show. I am not defined by how many pirouettes I can do or how high I can jump. My worth does not come from ballet or the parts I get. My worth can never come from that because if it does, I always lose. ALWAYS. There is never a winning situation there. If I place my identity and my worth in something I do, I will always fail.
God really does have a sense of humor and if you don't believe me, just read the Bible. But seriously, I just looked over on my white board and this is the quote I currently have written up there. "The heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that and let it become the most important thing in your life." (Brennan Manning)
God has chosen me, even when no one else does. He always picks me, always loves me, always believes in me. If I put my worth in that label on my arm, whatever sport I play, whatever job I have... I will always lose. I will always fail. There is no winning solution. But when I decide to place my worth in God and my label becomes that I am beloved by God, I will always win. God made me and breathed life into me and why would I want that beautiful part of who I am to be tarnished by something material. God gave me my worth. He defined me. By allowing myself to be defined by something else, I am saying that God's definition of me is irrelevant. But when my worth rests in God, I cannot and will not be swayed. God calls me his beloved and his child and when I embrace that and let that be my worth and the label that I wear on my arm, I will always be victorious.
