What 30 Days Without Makeup Taught Me

In my last post, I mentioned that I went to Colorado with a group from my college. One of the things that really stuck with me after the trip is that I don't want to have to hide. For years, I hid behind ballet, theater, makeup, horses, or anything that I could. I didn't want people to see the real me, so I hid. I decided after the retreat that I would challenge myself to go 30 days without makeup as a reminder to myself that I don't need to hide behind anything. I don't know if any other girls can relate to me, but I HATED myself without makeup. I hated my red blotchy skin and my blonde eyelashes. I thought I looked ugly and gross without makeup, so I wore it everywhere I went. On the retreat, I realized that this is one of the things I hide behind. I needed makeup to make me feel like I was beautiful. I thought that girls wouldn't accept me and guys wouldn't like me. I needed makeup to make me feel like I belonged, I needed it to make me feel my age, and I needed it because I didn't want people to see how I really looked. I never grew up as one of those girls that had a complete makeup set by the time that they were 12. But over time, I grew to use it as a crutch. It hindered my ability to really be myself, because I felt like I had to have everything figured out when I put on makeup. I was trying to give this persona that I had everything together when I really didn't. So, because of all that, I decided to go 30 days without it. That was 30 days ago.

At first, it was extremely difficult. I would be so tempted to just put on a little bit of mascara or powder just to make myself feel better. I would look in the mirror and absolutely hated what I would see. I felt ugly and out of place around girls who were all dolled up. About half way through, I realized that I can be comfortable without it, and started to enjoy not having to take the time to put it on and take it off every day. But it wasn't until the very end that I realized I loved this challenge. It helped me see myself in a way that I haven't been able to before. I saw that the beauty that makeup brings is only superficial. It isn't real. What's real is on the inside and if people can't see that, then they don't deserve to be in your life. I learned that makeup doesn't make me happy. I learned that makeup doesn't complete me and it doesn't satisfy me. I learned that makeup doesn't define me. I learned that beauty by today's standards is only skin deep and I would hate for that standard to define me. I am defined by so much more than what's on the outside. When people get to know me, I want them to see my passions and my dreams, not just a well put together face. I learned that I shouldn't wear makeup to impress guys. If I want a guy to love me for me, then it shouldn't matter what I look like on the outside. He should want to get to know me, what I love, what I hate, and everything in between. I will be definitely doing this again and I highly recommend it to anyone that may relate to this in any way.

Strength in Weakness

I recently went on a retreat to Colorado with a group from my college. After having a difficult summer, I was not sure that I was ready to be around people again. People that might see me. But I went anyway, and I was definitely changed when I came back. Here is something that I had written in my journal during the trip.

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was invisible. I hid behind ballet, and theater, and horses. I layered on the makeup, just to feel secure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be invisible. Because to me, being transparent was being weak. Being transparent would mean showing everyone how not strong you were. It would mean trusting that they would see the real you. It would mean trusting that they wouldn't see you as just another flaw or imperfection. But I knew that wouldn't happen. The people I was surrounded by were cruel, judgmental, and they would jump at the chance to hurt me further. They didn't care. So, I never said anything. I kept it all inside. Kept it all buried beneath my makeup, my fake smiling face, and my masks that I always wore. 

Let's re-imagine a case where that wasn't true. What if in our weakness we can be made strong? I know you've heard that said, and it seems kind of cheesy. But what if, it were actually true. I think by telling people our weaknesses we can begin to be made whole. Because that's what authentic community looks like. It's a group of people, building each other up in their weaknesses instead of judging and tearing each other down. What if community looked like that? What if we could bring that kind of community to everyone? What if a community was so strong that you grew closer through your weaknesses? I think that's what it's like to find strength in your weakness.

Give Up Your Keys

Surrender. Such a common word that packs such a powerful meaning. What does it mean to surrender? What does it look like to give up control? Before I could drive, I never realized what a huge responsibility that it is. Now that I can drive, I realize how many times that I don't want to give up the keys. I don't want to release the control that I would have if I were driving. I went to Colorado with a college group the other day and I realized that I had to give up my control. I had to surrender my fears and trust that the driver would get us there safely. You never think about it, but as I looked around in the van, I realized that everyone was sleeping. They trusted the driver and surrendered. It is the same thing in our lives. We have to trust God and surrender ourselves so he can take control of our life. We have to give up our keys and let him lead. Surrender.