What I learned in a year...

I can't believe it has been a year. What a painfully wonderful and beautiful year of growing and learning and overcoming. I learned in a year how to fight for myself when you wouldn't fight for me. Because you let me go I learned how to hold myself close. I learned that my own happiness comes first and I should never sacrifice who I am to please anyone else. I learned that pain is a great teacher. I learned how to value myself, my thoughts, and my feelings through the hurt.

The Rachel I was a year ago is not the same person living and breathing today. The Rachel on October 14, 2016 was broken. She was destroyed beyond recognition. She didn't even recognize her own face in the mirror. The girl standing in the mirror on October 14, 2017 may look the same but inside she feels different. What was broken has healed, although the scars will forever remain. What was destroyed is whole once again.

I was promised something a little over a year ago and that promise was broken. So instead of waiting for another promise to be broken, I am making a promise to myself. I promise to know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I promise to not allow anyone to have my heart without proving themselves. This is what I promise to myself. I promise to love myself and take care of myself even when no one else does.

I know this season of growth isn't over but I'm so amazed at how far I have come. I've learned that always sometimes isn't enough. That forever sometimes comes to an end. That love can hurt sometimes. But having courage to face the next day and being kind to yourself on the bad days makes all the difference.

Room of Marvels

This post is a bit of a throwback. I read the book, Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith and was inspired to write this.

I've been stuck. Stuck in this place that has no way out. As I look at the walls growing steadily higher around me I feel lost. I feel so far away from hope; so far away from any chance of being saved. I am sure that there is no way that God could love me and there is no way anyone else could either. I am alone. Everyday I climb and climb but it only feels like I’m falling further and further into this pit.

I am determined to not let anyone know what is going on inside of me. I don’t want them to know how far down I have dropped. So, I put on this mask and pretend that everything is okay. I’m happy, I’m successful, I love life, and I love God and ultimately, everybody thinks I’ve got it all together and I’m doing great. Right? Wrong! That’s what people may think and see but in reality I keep falling further and further from the love I am so desperately seeking (or so I think). I attempt to control my life and control my circumstances in a way that puts me in charge and gives me power but this only makes me feel less and less in control. The more I fake my way through life and attempt to control everything, the more I feel like I’m falling down and falling out of control.

As I read this book by James Bryan Smith, I struggled with myself. How could I, a student leader in Campus Ministries, someone who works in a church have fallen so far out of touch with reality and with God? I laughed and cried my way through this book as if someone was telling the story about my life. Throughout the story, the main character was forced to do things that made him forgive himself, be real with others, and give up his burning desire to control everything in his life. First, he was forced to look in a mirror and forgive himself. I don’t know about you, but I just wondered how many times do I look in the mirror and only condemn myself further? Instead of showing love to myself and forgiving myself, I only show hate and judgement which causes me to slide further and further down. Next, he was forced to take off his mask, give it a good look and throw it away. This one is incredibly hard for me because honestly, sometimes I’m not sure what is real and what is not. My fake face is intertwined so expertly with my real face that I cannot always separate the two. But that’s the challenge. In order for me to ever accept the love of God and learn to accept the love from other people for who I really am instead of who I pretend to be, I have to get rid of my fake face. That’s the only way I can ever begin to heal. The last thing he had to do was to give up his control. I relate so much to this as I desire to control everything in my life. I want to control myself, others, and even the things that happen in my life. But ultimately, that is only going to drag me down. I have to learn to let go of my control and trust that God can and will carry me through this ride of a life.

As the main character nears the end of the story, he is allowed to see that the way he lived his life had a significant impact on others around him. This just made me think about the way I live my life and whether or not that is leaving a positive memory for others or a negative one. Whether I withhold love or I freely give it. Whether I judge everyone or accept them as they are. But I cannot even attempt to make an impact in someone else’s life until I attempt to make an impact in my own. I have to learn to love my real, vulnerable self and let God and others love me inside of my pit. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved because God loves me no matter how far down I have fallen or how helpless I may feel. Once I see how precious and loved I am, I can begin to love others with that same real love.

Sometimes Love Hurts

I haven't posted anything in a while but I have definitely been writing recently. I have a million ideas racing around in my brain but lately I haven't been able to come up with the right words to get them out. I think I've been weighed down emotionally by events that happened in my life last year that I never really talked about with anyone. I always say that through vulnerability comes healing. So maybe now it's time for me to fully heal.

A little over a year ago on April 10, 2016. I made a commitment to a man who would become an important part of my life. A year ago, I said yes when asked, "will you be my girlfriend." To most people that doesn't mean much, but I take that fairly seriously. I said yes to laughing and growing with this man. I said yes to caring for him and later learning to love him. I learned a lot in the next 6 months that would follow. I learned to trust him and ask him for help (which if anyone knows me, knows that I never like to ask for help). I learned how to respect him and care for him. I learned to put his needs above my own. I ultimately learned to love. Every day that passed, I learned more and more. I learned more about myself and about him and about what it means to love. He made a promise to me and I made a promise to him that went far beyond the bounds of a normal relationship. We were ready to be married to each other in the fall of this year. I would be engaged around this time. Those are the promises we made to each other. I wore a promise ring that he had given me and I thought we would be together forever and the day after that. 

I ended up moving away to Virginia and we broke up by the end of October. At the end of all of this I was lied to, I was called names, I was yelled at, and ultimately I was completely torn down. I learned so much in the relationship but I am learning so much more after it. I am learning how to love myself and trust others again. I am learning that the words that someone else speaks over you, do not define who you are. For every negative word that someone speaks over you, you have to spend twice as long speaking positive words over yourself, You are not the words someone else speaks over you. The hard part is believing that and learning to love yourself again after someone you loved tears you down. That's one of the hardest parts about love. You give your heart into the hands of someone else who may not always have your heart's best interest in mind. It took me three months to move on and I can honestly say I still hurt sometimes. I am still learning. I am still healing. But I guess that's how you know you really loved. And I know I can love again. It starts with loving myself and taking the time to bring people into my life who I can trust, who want the best for me.

He is currently married and starting a brand new chapter in his life. And me? Well, I've decided to keep learning, growing, and healing. I've decided it's time to do things that make me happy. It's time to live my life for myself and stop letting other people speak over my life. It's time to stop letting the words that people speak over me, define me. You are not who other's say you are. You are who you say you are. So be beautiful, happy, loving, caring, joyful. Be spontaneous and adventurous. Be a friend, be a hard worker, but most importantly? Be yourself!

No Pressure!

Pressure: the continuous physical force exerted on or against an object by something in contact with it. 

They say pressure can make or break you Pressure on the pedals of a bicycle will cause the wheels to turn and movement to begin. That same pressure exerted on a plastic cup or soda can will cause it to flatten and break. There are many different pressures and they come from many different places. Most of the pressures I experience on a day to day basis have to do with what my life looks like and what people think it should look like.

Everyone has a timeline in their head. A timeline of how they want their life to go. Sometimes these timelines are influenced by family or close friends. Mine in my head was always this: finish high school, go to college, fall in love, get a job, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. I've come to find out that God has a different timeline for my life. I did finish high school and went to college but then I transferred from there, transferred to my next college and withdrew from my third one. I fell in love and was close to marriage but I had my heart broken. People always ask me, what do you want to do? What makes you happy? Where are you going to school next? When are you going to finish your degree? What do you want to do with your degree? These questions and more plague me every minute of every day. I get tired and burned out by all the pressure put on me and all the things I think I should be doing. I realize that maybe my life doesn't have to look like everyone else's. Maybe the pressure being put on me is negatively affecting my efforts to be happy. Maybe my life is my own: to make my own mistakes and achieve my own success. Maybe my life doesn't have to fit on a timeline. Maybe I don't have to give into the pressures surrounding me on all sides everyday. I should be free to make my own mistakes and figure out the path of my own life. Nobody else can write out my story- only I can.

So maybe the timeline of my life looks a little funny. Maybe it has a couple of U-turns and wrong turns. Maybe I took the wrong exit a couple of times. If I keep letting the pressure from friends and family dictate my life, I will never end up where I want to be. So what if I don't have a college degree yet or a full time job. So what if I don't get paid to dance and only do it because I love it. So what that I never know how much money I will make in a month because I wait tables and my income in based on tips.

Everyone has pressure in their life somewhere. If you let this pressure rest on your shoulders, it can have the power to destroy you. Because most of the time we can never live up to what other people ask of us. The external pressure placed on me has led me to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and an all around feeling of not being good enough. This life is mine and it's time that I start living it for myself. It's time that I shake off the pressure resting on me; pressure to conform to the timelines of everyone else. It's my life and I'm going to live it for me!

Dealing with Disappointments

I started my season out strong this year. It took me a while to adjust but I found my love of ballet again. I had been hurt by directors so many times in the past and I was excited to have a fresh start- a clean slate. I got stronger and stronger and happier and happier. About a month into the season I started experiencing pain in my ankle and foot. As a dancer, I ignored it for a while until it became too painful to dance and even work. I went in to see a local doctor who works with the dancers. I was half expecting stress fracture or something of the sort. She looked at my x-rays and I realized the evil monster lurking in my closet had reared its ugly head again. She asked me if anyone had ever told me I had an extra bone in the back of my ankle. I said yes and immediately felt my heart sink. We talked for a while and the conversation ended up at the fact that my problems will only get worse from here if I want to keep doing ballet professionally. This little bone is called an Os Trigonum and it has plagued me for my entire dance life. I got an MRI done and went to see a surgeon who has worked with many dancers before. He confirmed my worst fear... anything else I try to do will only delay the inevitable. If I want to keep dancing on pointe, I have to get it taken out. My surgery is scheduled for December 8th at 9am. The doctor is going to make an incision and take the little bone out.

In less than an hour, the company I dance for will be performing The Nutcracker. I absolutely love this ballet. Every year it brings children and families together to experience the job and magic of this beloved Christmas favorite. Every time I perform the snow scene I can't help but smile as the snow falls perfectly to the stage and the dancers create an elegant scene. I know how it feels from both sides and it is pure magic and joy. The looks on children's faces make all the hours of rehearsals worth it. I have been doing ballet for 8 years now and every year I have performed in The Nutcracker. I would never want to trade it for anything else in the entire world.

This year I am unable to perform. It honestly did not really hit me until today- opening night. I'm seeing all the excited pictures and posts and the disappointment flooded over me. I just watched the video from dress rehearsal and I was overwhelmed. But maybe that's a good thing because I can't feel the pain in my ankle when all I feel is the pain in my heart.

There are always going to be disappointments in life. I'm choosing to not let this one win. I'm choosing to stay positive and to choose to come back even stronger. I'm choosing to have hope that next year I will be dancing again. Next year, I will be in the Nutcracker. No matter what. The measure of winning or losing is not about how many disappointments overtake us. The measure is in how we deal with the disappointments that come our way.

Is It Worth It?

Ballet will never be "worth it." You don't hit a magical point in your training and realize, "oh! All of this work was worth it." You might have little moments like that but there is always more to do, you can always get better. Ballet will never be worth the time we put into it. Ballet will never be worth the pain we put into it. Ballet will never be worth it. But there is something that is...

Seeing that smile on a little girl's face when she sees you in a tutu. Having your teacher say she is proud of you. Inspiring a young girl to dance again after she quit because of disappointments.

Ballet doesn't give you anything back. You can give and give all day long and ballet won't give back, it just takes. It won't ever be "worth it." But the things it takes from us are certainly worth everything. Ballet takes determination. Ballet takes courage. It takes bravery. It takes fearlessness. It takes confidence, patience, and passion. Those are the things that make ballet "worth it." I would not be who I am today without ballet in my life. Ballet is one of those things that many have done but few are good at. It's not just about technique, it's about heart. If you give it all you've got then that alone will be worth it.

The Story My Hands Tell

My hands were made to be strong. They tell a story. They tell a story of who I am and what I have gone through.

I started lifting at the beginning of the summer and have grown to love it. Since then I have these hard spots starting to develop on my hands. Most people call them calluses. I tend to think of them as a positive thing whereas most people view them as something negative. A callus by definition is a thickened or hardened part of the skin especially in an area that has been subjected to friction. Friction is the action of one surface or object rubbing against another. My hands became tough as a result of the abrasion of the weights in my hands. But the calluses only started to form after my hands were rubbed raw. My calluses formed only after I had gone through the pain.

The same is true about life. I didn't find strength until I was at my weakest. I didn't find purpose until I thought I was worthless. I have not come through the first part of my life unscathed. I have many calluses to show and I wear them proudly. Each one tells a story of how life was painful and I was rubbed raw but how I ended up stronger as a result. They tell the story of who I am. I wouldn't be me without them. My hands are signs of victory. My hands speak of life, hope, purpose, inspiration, peace, joy... What do your hands tell you?

#Blessed

And then there were three... we all see it happen. Friends come and friends go. No clique ever stays the same. They gain one and they lose one. It's classic girl habits. But no matter what happens, the world sees the same thing: happy Instagram girls.

Dear Happy Instagram girls, did you know there are girls out there crying? There are girls who used to be smiling in your pictures and instead they are stalking your Instagram in tears because they weren't invited. They were left out. Forgotten. Abandoned. And in your mind, you don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. As long as you're surrounded with friends what does it matter whether someone else got invited or not. But put yourself in their mind for a minute...

Why wasn't I invited? Maybe I'm just worthless. I don't really matter that much anyway. It will be more fun for them without me. But I thought they liked me? Well, maybe I'm not really that funny. It feels like every time I try, I fail. I am always one step behind. I feel like I am always following. I'm looking into people's friendships from the outside and I'm never on the inside. I try and do things or make an effort to be a better friend but it never feels like its enough. They are happier without me so I content myself to stay out of their way. I don't know, you think I would learn because everyone is always better friends with someone else. I want to go back to when life was less confusing and stressful. Of course it's always been like this for me so I really shouldn't expect any different. 

So go on and live your happy little Instagram life but just know that there is someone out there crying because they didn't get invited to the party. There is someone thinking they are worthless because obviously they weren't worth a simple text. I write this because I know how bad it hurts. I have been bullied and been left out since I was in second grade. There was even a group of girls in my high school that called themselves the "Fab Five." There were only 10 girls in my class anyway. 

So dear happy Instagram girls, think about how your pictures may affect someone. I'm definitely not perfect but I know how it feels to be left out. I am still dealing with things that happened to me in elementary and high school. Social media is such a dangerous place if used incorrectly. Just remember who may be affected after you post that happy Instagram picture.

 #blessed

A New Kind of Brave

When I made the choice to leave Friends University in January, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I knew I wanted to continue dancing but that was about it. It wasn’t until the beginning of March that I thought seriously about pursuing a career in dance instead of going back to school to finish out my ballet degree. I started looking but I was soon overwhelmed with thoughts of hopelessness and embarrassment. Who am I to be looking into this? I am not good enough… I don’t deserve this… the list goes on and on. With the help of my parents and my teachers and some close friends I decided to go for it. I knew I was late into the game but I decided to try anyway. I found a total of three auditions and decided to take a chance. I have been flying and driving all over for the past month to audition and these are just some thoughts I had along the way.

People have always told me that I am brave. Now, I may not be brave when it comes to social situations so I never really understood why people saw that in me. But as I was reflecting I realized that I was started to embrace a new kind of brave. Being brave and choosing to be brave in the situations where you don’t have to be. I could have very easily chosen to stay at home and not chase my dreams. No matter how much my head told me I wasn’t good enough my heart was telling me that I still wanted this and I still loved it. So I was brave. I jumped up and took a chance. Sometimes miraculous things can happen when you chose to be brave when no one is telling you to be. When you are brave for you and not because you have to be, it can be the most rewarding experience ever.

The last audition I attended was with Charlottesville ballet. First of all, Virginia is a beautiful state and I just felt like this was where I was supposed to be. After the audition they chose to offer me a trainee position with the company. It isn’t paid but it is definitely a step in the right direction for me. The co-director talked about her mission for the company and it rang so true in my heart that I am still in disbelief right now. She struggled with an eating disorder and decided to start the company to take a stand against that stereotype. She strives to make sure her dancers are physically and mentally healthy and has a program in place to make that happen. The whole place felt safe and encouraging. I could see the love of ballet pouring out of that place. In the end there is no-where else I would rather be dancing for. I am so excited to accept my contract and become a trainee with Charlottesville Ballet and I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me.

Charlottesville, Virginia is exactly 1,194 miles from me. I never thought I would fly that far away from home to audition with a company I had never seen before but I did and I am so thankful I did. I am still in denial that I will be dancing with a professional company starting in October. I am so thankful that I had this chance to be brave and that I took it. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway. 

Take a chance. 

Step out in faith. 

Choose a new kind of brave. 

Be brave when no one is telling you to. 

Be brave when you don’t have to. 

What's Your Favorite Color?

Okay, I'd like everyone to pick a color... got it? Good!

We live in a wonderful world full of color! There are colors all around us and one person's color may not be someone else's, and that's okay! I think we as humans can accept the fact that everyone has different preferences when it comes to color. Some like dark colors, some like light colors, or pastels, or earth tones. Whatever it may be, this color doesn't have power over you. It doesn't determine your worth. This color doesn't say one thing about you except that you like that particular color!

Now, imagine that color is a number...

Everyone's number is different but that doesn't make that number any less valuable or beautiful.

You would laugh at me if I told you to judge other people based on their favorite color... so why do we constantly feel the need to judge others based on their number. The number I'm talking about is the number you see when you step on the scale. The number that is displayed should NOT be a basis for judgement in any way. That number may not be what you want to see. You may want it higher or lower but despite that, the number sits in your brain and whether or not you want to, you start to judge yourself and others based on that number... I know, cause I do it too.

But what do two or three little numbers say about your life? It can't measure your kindness or your dreams or your passions or that light in your eyes when you talk about something you love. It can't measure what other people think of you or how many people look up to you or how many people you've inspired just by being you! That number will never be able to measure how much you love or how much of yourself you give to others. It's just a number, so why do we let it have so much power over us? Why do we let it affect the way we see our self and others? Why do we let it define us and give us value?

Why do we let a number define a word? Why do we let 275 be the equivalent to ugly and 110 be the equivalent to beautiful. Numbers can't define words because words hold so much more value than numbers do. It is the same for us. We hold so much more value than a number. We are so much more than that number and when I hold myself back because of that number, I am doing myself a disservice.

Let's re-define beauty!

Let's re-define it, not in numbers but in words. Let beauty be joy, love, peace, hope, kindness. Let beauty be a smile on your face because you had a good cup of coffee this morning. Let beauty be the way your eyes sparkle when you're doing something you love. Help me re-define beauty.

Beauty is NOT a number!

Transitions for Transformation

Transitions are a part of life. Some are easy. Some maybe not as much. But they happen to everyone. They could be something like changing your major... or they could be something like moving from the wilderness into the Promised Land. A transition isn't something to be feared but rather embraced because just maybe a transition could be setting us up for transformation... 

"There is a new chapter in our story. God will help us enter into a new season in which there is strength for every struggle, grace for every guilt, direction for every question. Greater is He who is in you, than He who is in the world. Joshua didn't tell the people how many circles would have to be made around Jericho, he told them to just keep walking. The walls that kept them out became stepping stones over which they could climb." -Max Lucado

For a while, I felt stuck. I felt as if there was no way out. And no way in. I was not where I was but I was also not where I wanted to be. I was trapped in a never ending cycle of trying to earn the approval of my teachers yet knowing I never would. I kept walking around Jericho. And walking. And walking. For over two years, I walked and walked. I knew that somehow I was getting somewhere but it only felt like I was walking around in circles. 

Now I see that the walls of that Jericho have fallen. 

The voices that were taunting me. The failure I was feeling. The shadows looming over me have fallen. But all of the times that I was talked down to, rejected, and not good enough was teaching me that I deserved better. I knew somewhere in my heart there was a Promised Land out there for me, I just had to have the courage to keep walking in order to find it. And walk I did. And the walls came down. 

"There is strength to face every struggle. There is capacity to face every opportunity." -Max Lucado 

Little did I know three weeks ago, that I would be sitting at home right now in a new school surrounded by new people and new teachers. But here I am. One day I said enough was enough, I gathered all the courage I had and I said no more! I never had that strength by myself. All I knew to do was walk, and God gave me a way out. 

"When you give your heart to Christ, He returned the favor and placed His heart within you and called you an heir, yes, even a co-heir with Christ. Whatever power is available to Christ is available to you." -Max Lucado

I never had the power to bring down Jericho. But I did have the power to walk and be obedient. Right now, I am more thankful than ever that the walls of my Jericho were brought down and that I now have stones to climb over to get to where I want to be. I will never regret the time it took me nor the energy it took me to walk around Jericho. I'm so very thankful for all the lessons it taught me but I'm even more thankful for the joy and healing that can be seen on the other side. In wilderness times maybe there's a Promised Land just up ahead. When feelings of being trapped overwhelm us maybe there's freedom waiting just up ahead. And just maybe, in these moments of transition is where we see the most transformation take place. 

Beauty Can Never Be Achieved

Everyone knows that ballet is for the skinny girls. That's not a stereotype, that's just the truth. For me, I have always been considered heavy or a plus size person in the ballet world so I know the harshness of this truth. I used to believe I was beautiful the way I was. I used to believe I was skinny. I used to not hate myself after eating a bowl of ice cream or an extra piece of pizza. But ballet changed this for me. Tonight as I was standing in ballet class I just had the thought that ballet has completely changed my perception of beauty. For a lot of women, the media has changed their perception of beauty... but that's not the case for me. I know those women are photo-shopped and that they are not the norm of society. But in the ballet world, skinny is the norm and if you aren't perfectly skinny then teachers and directors don't even look at you much less cast you in anything.

This is an extremely hard thing for me because besides judging myself very harshly, I start to judge others harshly too. I see a girl who weighs more than me in class and I just think, "what is she doing here? She's never going to make it in the dance world with that body..." and then I want to shoot myself in the head. Who am I to judge those around me? Why am I conforming to this new perception of beauty?

I absolutely hate that people will say that long skinny legs is the ballet aesthetic. I completely disagree. Ballet is beautiful because of the quality of movement, the grace, and the purpose behind it. The shape of the body is not and was never what made ballet beautiful. But I digress...

As ballet dancers we are told to stand in a leotard and tights every day for hours on end, stare at ourselves in a full length mirror, and pick out our flaws. And if you have ever worn a leotard and tights let me just say that it doesn't hide much. We are constantly told that we shouldn't use the mirror to look at what we are doing right but use it to help us figure out what we are doing wrong. For me, mirrors aren't something that reflect beauty but instead help to magnify the ugly and the faults within me. Mirrors bring the thoughts of what can be fixed, what am I doing wrong, how ugly does that look through my head. And because of this my perception of beauty has changed. Beauty is not inherent in me. Beauty is something that can be achieved... by losing 15 pounds or gaining an extra degree of turnout or pointing my foot harder or getting my leg higher or stretching just a little bit longer. Ballet has taught me that beauty is something to be gained. Ballet has taught me that in order to be beautiful that you have to look just like everyone else. Ballet has taught me that if you eat that extra piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream then you are going to have to stay after class tomorrow and do some extra jumps. Ballet has taught me to judge myself and others based on this narrow range of ideals in what the ballerina should look like and not look like. Ballet has ultimately taught me that beauty can never be achieved.

And I think it's time that that changed. 

It's time for a new ballet beautiful. 

Not Just a Feeling

It's like you are drowning in an ocean and there is no surface to swim towards...

It's like you are buried in a hole and it continues to get deeper...

It's like you feel everything and nothing all at the same time... 

Depression. 

I had a teacher and someone I respect very much tell me that being sad and being depressed are just feelings... a mindset to control. She told the class that we needed to grow up and be adults and tackle these things. She said if you are depressed you need to get into the Bible and meditate and everything will be okay, because it's just a feeling that you can control.

Not.

Depression is not just a feeling that can be wished away. It is not just a mindset that can be controlled. Depression can be caused by a number of different things but it's not just a feeling like sadness that comes and goes. It lingers and hangs over someone's life and affects every single thing they do. It walks with them during the day and haunts their dreams at night. 

Since there are very few people that will read this, I will come right out and say that I am now on medication for depression. This is something that has controlled my life for the past 5 years. I didn't know the name of this darkness until last year but I have struggled with these same feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anxiety since I was in high school. 

People always ask me, are you okay? And I say no... but I don't know why. It just feels like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to breathe. These thoughts are trapped in my head... you're not good enough. You're a failure. You'll never amount to anything. How could you ever make a difference in the world? It's like I feel everything and nothing at the same time. It's an endless void, a black cloud, a never ending sea of hopelessness that I can't seem to get through. Healing is a joke, recovery is a lie. There's no getting out, there's no moving forward. And the problem is, people who have never experienced this, cannot understand what it's like. They can't understand why you're always sad, you're always quiet. It's not something I can just change. I cannot just flip a switch and be happy. You just feel numb. Empty. Worthless. Everything hurts at the same time, yet you can't feel anything at all. Your body is tired but your mind won't let you rest. You feel unimportant. Unseen. Unheard. Not felt. Not loved. This is what depression feels like to me. This is my life. 

I really wish people would stop treating people who are depressed as weak and self-seeking. Because we aren't. I wish I could be happy and smiling most of the time. I wish I didn't feel like bursting out in tears every time someone says something to me. I wish I could just get over it. I wish I didn't have to rely on medication.... but I do. 

Depression is not just a feeling. It's not just a mindset. You can't just get over it. And if you expect me to, then you are sadly mistaken. 

Who Fights For You?

Who fights for you when you can't pick up your sword?

Who stands for you when you can't hold yourself up?

Who protects you when you can't ward off the things battering against you?

Who cries with you when you can't stop the tears from falling?

Who laughs with you when you can't breathe from your giggling pile on the floor?

Who celebrates you when you can't even be proud of yourself?

Who affirms you when you don't feel like you're good enough?

We all deal with this. 

We all need these people. 

We all should be these people to others. 

Who are your people? 

Who do you fight for?

Who fights for you?

Why I won't call Someone my "Best Friend"

It's easy to compare cars based on different objective points. Which car has better gas mileage? Which car has better safety ratings? Which car has the extra features that I want? We, as humans, are constantly comparing. That car is better than that one because... that shirt is nicer than that one because...they have the best chocolate chip cookies because...

But what about people? How do people compare other people? We can compare and be compared by our hair, makeup, body shape, fashion, personality, character, and countless other things. But none of those are objective. All of those things that we use to compare human beings are all subjective.

I spend countless nights alone in my apartment browsing social media and I am constantly seeing posts about people hanging out with their best friend or watching movies with their best friend or how they are so very thankful for their best friend. Do I get a little jealous? Yea, sure! But beyond all of that, I have decided that I don't ever want to call someone my best friend.

The definition of best is, "of the most excellent, effective, or desirable type or quality. That which is the most excellent, outstanding, or desirable." Best implies favoritism. It implies a ranking, an order. It implies that something is above something else. When we call someone our 'best' friend, we are saying that you are my favorite and you surpass all of my other friends. By saying someone is our 'best' friend, we are ranking our friends and letting one come out on top.

When you rank things you compare them to each other and decide that one definitively comes out on top. When we rank our friends, we are comparing them to each other. By comparing, we are saying that someone else is not as good as another person. We are telling them they aren't good enough to be the 'best'.

By saying someone is our best friend we are saying someone else is not. We can't rank our friends. Sure, we can rank cars. But do we really have the authority to rank and compare people? For me, I have decided to never call someone my best friend. I wouldn't ever want someone to see that and think that they weren't good enough or that they didn't measure up to someone else. I know what that's like.... I have been ranked and judged and compared and I am constantly being told that I am not good enough. So, why would I ever want to inflict that kind of heart break onto someone else?

I am NOT a Dancer

When you are introducing yourself to a group of people you usually start out by saying, "Hi, my name is ______ and I am a _______." We all associate ourselves with one thing or another. To most people this seems normal and almost expected. Now that you've introduced yourself, you have a label. This label is how other people will see you from now on and how you will be defined. For me, this label has always been that I am a dancer. In high school I was proud of this. I wore this label on my arm 24/7 for everyone to see. It's not only what I did but it became who I was.

I left for college and I began to see that that label I wore did not adequately define me. I started to see that maybe I didn't want to be labeled at all. Maybe this label was only a way to shove me into a category so I would look like everyone else.

I came to realize that I did not want to look like everyone else.

I got so caught up in the fact that my identity and who I thought I should be was all wrapped up in what I did. I thought that by sticking this label on myself that someone would want me. Friends would accept me. Teachers would like me. Boys would notice me. I did not realize the danger of this until part way through my freshman year. By wearing that label and defining myself by that, I allowed my identity and my worth to be swayed. Instead of seeing myself as beautiful and loved, I started to see myself as not flexible enough, not turned out enough, not skinny enough, not strong enough. And these "not enoughs" come with anything, not just ballet. But because I had decided to define myself by ballet, the words that were being spoken into me were not only applying to my dancing but to the core of who I was.

A huge climax moment in a dancers life is when the cast list comes out. That tells you who the directors like and don't like, who is good enough and who is not, and who is skinny enough and who is not. As I walked up to check the cast list today, I kept telling myself that this does not define me. This is not where my worth comes from. But of course, after I looked at it I got beat down. The thoughts raced through my head immediately. You aren't good enough. You don't deserve it. You're not skinny enough. You're not _____ enough.... the list goes on and on.

I sometimes imagine God in heaven just shaking his head.... not in anger but in sadness that I just can't seem to grasp the fact that that label does not define me. I am not defined by what part I get in the next show. I am not defined by how many pirouettes I can do or how high I can jump. My worth does not come from ballet or the parts I get. My worth can never come from that because if it does, I always lose. ALWAYS. There is never a winning situation there. If I place my identity and my worth in something I do, I will always fail.

God really does have a sense of humor and if you don't believe me, just read the Bible. But seriously, I just looked over on my white board and this is the quote I currently have written up there. "The heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that and let it become the most important thing in your life." (Brennan Manning)

God has chosen me, even when no one else does. He always picks me, always loves me, always believes in me. If I put my worth in that label on my arm, whatever sport I play, whatever job I have... I will always lose. I will always fail. There is no winning solution. But when I decide to place my worth in God and my label becomes that I am beloved by God, I will always win. God made me and breathed life into me and why would I want that beautiful part of who I am to be tarnished by something material. God gave me my worth. He defined me. By allowing myself to be defined by something else, I am saying that God's definition of me is irrelevant. But when my worth rests in God, I cannot and will not be swayed. God calls me his beloved and his child and when I embrace that and let that be my worth and the label that I wear on my arm, I will always be victorious.

Be-loved!

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I don't know about you, but I wish I could count the number of days I sit around thinking that I'm not good enough. I can't measure up to someone else. Everyone else has more to offer than me. I keep thinking, someone else is skinnier than me, someone else is prettier than me, someone else is funnier than me or more deserving of love than me. I reject myself and everything that God has made beautiful about me. I reject his divine image in me. And by listening to these lies that I speak over myself, I drop further and further away from the truth that God is desperately wanting me to hear. 

Recently, I have fallen in love with the word beloved. Or in simpler terms... BE-LOVED! This is such a radical concept for me. For as long as I have known my mental thought process is that I have to do things in order to be worthy of love because on my own I could never be worthy of love. I have believed the lies I have told myself, that I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or funny enough or good enough. So in order to feel even slightly adequate I have to do things to make up for the things I think I innately lack. I make people things, I drive people places, I listen to people knowing that they would never offer me the same support, I fill my time up doing things for other people and pouring my heart and soul into being good enough at ballet or academics. I have found that the more I do, the more worn out and burned out I feel. By my actions alone, I can never feel worthy of love, especially God's love. 

So then I start thinking, great... so I really am unlovable. But, recently I have come to discover and believe a new truth about myself. As I am, I am worthy of love. Just by being, I am worthy of love. That's such a radical thing!!! Let's think about it... in every relationship we engage in on earth we give love to people because of what they do. If they make us mad or tick us off, we withhold love; but if we are happy with each other then we freely give our love. That's not the case with God. He gives us love freely whether we deserve it or not just because we are His. We are his beloved. And we are called to accept that, and BE-LOVED! We are automatically worthy of love and are unconditionally loved because of whose we are, not who we are. We are His! 

And he wants us to stop running ourselves into the ground with all these things that we think we should be doing. Instead, he wants us to spend time simply being. Being the beloved. Being who we are and accepting not rejecting the divine image in each of us. And I've been trying to remember this recently... every time I start to reject myself and hate things about myself, I have to remember that I am hating the parts of me that God delights in. I may hate the way that I feel things so deeply, but God loves that about me and made that part specifically and uniquely for me. Once I learn to accept these parts of me that God so lovingly made for me, I can begin to rest in the fact that I am his beloved. I don't have to strive to be good enough, simply by being myself and living in my belovedness I can know that I am worthy of love. 

More than I Wanted

I wish I could say that my summer has been off to a great start but alas... that's not even close to the truth. I have been battling with feelings of hopelessness and despair the past couple of weeks. I have an issue with my feet that will not get better. It is only going to get worse and conservative treatment isn't helping when I dance. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that this could end my dancing career forever. 

I have been questioning God and getting mad at Him. I am confused at why He would put these desires to dance in my heart and yet I carry the hereditary gene for bunions. No one else in my family got bunions but me. The dancer. Great. Thanks, God.

On my way to work in the mornings, I turn on a Christian radio station because it helps get my mind in the right place for the rest of the day. One morning, this song came on by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Save my Life." I heard the chorus and I just broke down crying in the car. This is exactly what my heart has been saying to God. And it is painfully true. 

I have all these hopes and dreams and wants for myself and my life but I have started to realize that God is greater than all of that. He surpasses all of my earthly wants and dreams. It hasn't been easy but I have begun to see that if God takes dance out of my life, something else great will take it's place. "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

 He can be more than all I've ever wanted. He is my strength and my hope. Only He can save my life.

"Tell me what I need to hear. 

Tell me that I'm not forgotten. 

Show me you're the God who can be more than all I've ever wanted. 

Cause right now I need a little hope, 

I need to know that I'm not alone. 

I can hear you calling me tonight, Jesus, 

only you can save my life." 

-Sidewalk Prophets

Learning to Hope for More

As some of you probably know, I have been dealing with some major foot issues as of late. The pain I feel because of this injury is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wish I could tell you the number of times I have cried due to the amount of pain or because of how scared I was and am because of this unexplained injury... but I lost track. It has been 3 months and I have seen 3 different doctors and gotten 3 different responses about this issue and it's not getting any better.

I wish I could say that it is no big deal and that dancers get injured all the time and that I'm not worried... but that would be a lie. I am scared. I am worried. I am losing hope.

In the midst of feeling like my dance career is ending, I am striving to remember to not give up hope. I have been scared by my dreams before and I have persevered with God's help and I can do it again.

We all have these times in our lives that look like they will defeat us but I have to remember that God is greater than all of this yet he knows me intimately. He knows my wants. He knows my desires. He knows that my wish is to glorify him through my art form. He will not give up on me so I shouldn't give up on him.

I'm striving to hope for more. I'm hoping for more than defeat. I'm hoping for more than the crushing of my dreams. I'm hoping for more than to live in fear of what could go wrong. I'm hoping for more because I'm placing my hope in the One who is more than anything else in this life.

"Hope is the ability to hear the melody of the future. Faith is the courage to dance to it today."

Just for Fun!

We spend so much of our lives worrying.... worrying about our grades, our friendships, our finances, or our health. And sometimes we worry about worrying. It's a natural thing that we all do as humans.

At Friends, we have what we call 'reading day' which is a day off from academic classes the day before finals start so the students can study. Some people were worried about finals, some were not. Regardless, several of the dancers took time away from studying to just have some fun. 

This was the result... enjoy! :)