Beauty Can Never Be Achieved

Everyone knows that ballet is for the skinny girls. That's not a stereotype, that's just the truth. For me, I have always been considered heavy or a plus size person in the ballet world so I know the harshness of this truth. I used to believe I was beautiful the way I was. I used to believe I was skinny. I used to not hate myself after eating a bowl of ice cream or an extra piece of pizza. But ballet changed this for me. Tonight as I was standing in ballet class I just had the thought that ballet has completely changed my perception of beauty. For a lot of women, the media has changed their perception of beauty... but that's not the case for me. I know those women are photo-shopped and that they are not the norm of society. But in the ballet world, skinny is the norm and if you aren't perfectly skinny then teachers and directors don't even look at you much less cast you in anything.

This is an extremely hard thing for me because besides judging myself very harshly, I start to judge others harshly too. I see a girl who weighs more than me in class and I just think, "what is she doing here? She's never going to make it in the dance world with that body..." and then I want to shoot myself in the head. Who am I to judge those around me? Why am I conforming to this new perception of beauty?

I absolutely hate that people will say that long skinny legs is the ballet aesthetic. I completely disagree. Ballet is beautiful because of the quality of movement, the grace, and the purpose behind it. The shape of the body is not and was never what made ballet beautiful. But I digress...

As ballet dancers we are told to stand in a leotard and tights every day for hours on end, stare at ourselves in a full length mirror, and pick out our flaws. And if you have ever worn a leotard and tights let me just say that it doesn't hide much. We are constantly told that we shouldn't use the mirror to look at what we are doing right but use it to help us figure out what we are doing wrong. For me, mirrors aren't something that reflect beauty but instead help to magnify the ugly and the faults within me. Mirrors bring the thoughts of what can be fixed, what am I doing wrong, how ugly does that look through my head. And because of this my perception of beauty has changed. Beauty is not inherent in me. Beauty is something that can be achieved... by losing 15 pounds or gaining an extra degree of turnout or pointing my foot harder or getting my leg higher or stretching just a little bit longer. Ballet has taught me that beauty is something to be gained. Ballet has taught me that in order to be beautiful that you have to look just like everyone else. Ballet has taught me that if you eat that extra piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream then you are going to have to stay after class tomorrow and do some extra jumps. Ballet has taught me to judge myself and others based on this narrow range of ideals in what the ballerina should look like and not look like. Ballet has ultimately taught me that beauty can never be achieved.

And I think it's time that that changed. 

It's time for a new ballet beautiful.