A New Kind of Brave

When I made the choice to leave Friends University in January, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I knew I wanted to continue dancing but that was about it. It wasn’t until the beginning of March that I thought seriously about pursuing a career in dance instead of going back to school to finish out my ballet degree. I started looking but I was soon overwhelmed with thoughts of hopelessness and embarrassment. Who am I to be looking into this? I am not good enough… I don’t deserve this… the list goes on and on. With the help of my parents and my teachers and some close friends I decided to go for it. I knew I was late into the game but I decided to try anyway. I found a total of three auditions and decided to take a chance. I have been flying and driving all over for the past month to audition and these are just some thoughts I had along the way.

People have always told me that I am brave. Now, I may not be brave when it comes to social situations so I never really understood why people saw that in me. But as I was reflecting I realized that I was started to embrace a new kind of brave. Being brave and choosing to be brave in the situations where you don’t have to be. I could have very easily chosen to stay at home and not chase my dreams. No matter how much my head told me I wasn’t good enough my heart was telling me that I still wanted this and I still loved it. So I was brave. I jumped up and took a chance. Sometimes miraculous things can happen when you chose to be brave when no one is telling you to be. When you are brave for you and not because you have to be, it can be the most rewarding experience ever.

The last audition I attended was with Charlottesville ballet. First of all, Virginia is a beautiful state and I just felt like this was where I was supposed to be. After the audition they chose to offer me a trainee position with the company. It isn’t paid but it is definitely a step in the right direction for me. The co-director talked about her mission for the company and it rang so true in my heart that I am still in disbelief right now. She struggled with an eating disorder and decided to start the company to take a stand against that stereotype. She strives to make sure her dancers are physically and mentally healthy and has a program in place to make that happen. The whole place felt safe and encouraging. I could see the love of ballet pouring out of that place. In the end there is no-where else I would rather be dancing for. I am so excited to accept my contract and become a trainee with Charlottesville Ballet and I can’t wait to see where this journey will take me.

Charlottesville, Virginia is exactly 1,194 miles from me. I never thought I would fly that far away from home to audition with a company I had never seen before but I did and I am so thankful I did. I am still in denial that I will be dancing with a professional company starting in October. I am so thankful that I had this chance to be brave and that I took it. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway. 

Take a chance. 

Step out in faith. 

Choose a new kind of brave. 

Be brave when no one is telling you to. 

Be brave when you don’t have to. 

What's Your Favorite Color?

Okay, I'd like everyone to pick a color... got it? Good!

We live in a wonderful world full of color! There are colors all around us and one person's color may not be someone else's, and that's okay! I think we as humans can accept the fact that everyone has different preferences when it comes to color. Some like dark colors, some like light colors, or pastels, or earth tones. Whatever it may be, this color doesn't have power over you. It doesn't determine your worth. This color doesn't say one thing about you except that you like that particular color!

Now, imagine that color is a number...

Everyone's number is different but that doesn't make that number any less valuable or beautiful.

You would laugh at me if I told you to judge other people based on their favorite color... so why do we constantly feel the need to judge others based on their number. The number I'm talking about is the number you see when you step on the scale. The number that is displayed should NOT be a basis for judgement in any way. That number may not be what you want to see. You may want it higher or lower but despite that, the number sits in your brain and whether or not you want to, you start to judge yourself and others based on that number... I know, cause I do it too.

But what do two or three little numbers say about your life? It can't measure your kindness or your dreams or your passions or that light in your eyes when you talk about something you love. It can't measure what other people think of you or how many people look up to you or how many people you've inspired just by being you! That number will never be able to measure how much you love or how much of yourself you give to others. It's just a number, so why do we let it have so much power over us? Why do we let it affect the way we see our self and others? Why do we let it define us and give us value?

Why do we let a number define a word? Why do we let 275 be the equivalent to ugly and 110 be the equivalent to beautiful. Numbers can't define words because words hold so much more value than numbers do. It is the same for us. We hold so much more value than a number. We are so much more than that number and when I hold myself back because of that number, I am doing myself a disservice.

Let's re-define beauty!

Let's re-define it, not in numbers but in words. Let beauty be joy, love, peace, hope, kindness. Let beauty be a smile on your face because you had a good cup of coffee this morning. Let beauty be the way your eyes sparkle when you're doing something you love. Help me re-define beauty.

Beauty is NOT a number!

Transitions for Transformation

Transitions are a part of life. Some are easy. Some maybe not as much. But they happen to everyone. They could be something like changing your major... or they could be something like moving from the wilderness into the Promised Land. A transition isn't something to be feared but rather embraced because just maybe a transition could be setting us up for transformation... 

"There is a new chapter in our story. God will help us enter into a new season in which there is strength for every struggle, grace for every guilt, direction for every question. Greater is He who is in you, than He who is in the world. Joshua didn't tell the people how many circles would have to be made around Jericho, he told them to just keep walking. The walls that kept them out became stepping stones over which they could climb." -Max Lucado

For a while, I felt stuck. I felt as if there was no way out. And no way in. I was not where I was but I was also not where I wanted to be. I was trapped in a never ending cycle of trying to earn the approval of my teachers yet knowing I never would. I kept walking around Jericho. And walking. And walking. For over two years, I walked and walked. I knew that somehow I was getting somewhere but it only felt like I was walking around in circles. 

Now I see that the walls of that Jericho have fallen. 

The voices that were taunting me. The failure I was feeling. The shadows looming over me have fallen. But all of the times that I was talked down to, rejected, and not good enough was teaching me that I deserved better. I knew somewhere in my heart there was a Promised Land out there for me, I just had to have the courage to keep walking in order to find it. And walk I did. And the walls came down. 

"There is strength to face every struggle. There is capacity to face every opportunity." -Max Lucado 

Little did I know three weeks ago, that I would be sitting at home right now in a new school surrounded by new people and new teachers. But here I am. One day I said enough was enough, I gathered all the courage I had and I said no more! I never had that strength by myself. All I knew to do was walk, and God gave me a way out. 

"When you give your heart to Christ, He returned the favor and placed His heart within you and called you an heir, yes, even a co-heir with Christ. Whatever power is available to Christ is available to you." -Max Lucado

I never had the power to bring down Jericho. But I did have the power to walk and be obedient. Right now, I am more thankful than ever that the walls of my Jericho were brought down and that I now have stones to climb over to get to where I want to be. I will never regret the time it took me nor the energy it took me to walk around Jericho. I'm so very thankful for all the lessons it taught me but I'm even more thankful for the joy and healing that can be seen on the other side. In wilderness times maybe there's a Promised Land just up ahead. When feelings of being trapped overwhelm us maybe there's freedom waiting just up ahead. And just maybe, in these moments of transition is where we see the most transformation take place. 

Beauty Can Never Be Achieved

Everyone knows that ballet is for the skinny girls. That's not a stereotype, that's just the truth. For me, I have always been considered heavy or a plus size person in the ballet world so I know the harshness of this truth. I used to believe I was beautiful the way I was. I used to believe I was skinny. I used to not hate myself after eating a bowl of ice cream or an extra piece of pizza. But ballet changed this for me. Tonight as I was standing in ballet class I just had the thought that ballet has completely changed my perception of beauty. For a lot of women, the media has changed their perception of beauty... but that's not the case for me. I know those women are photo-shopped and that they are not the norm of society. But in the ballet world, skinny is the norm and if you aren't perfectly skinny then teachers and directors don't even look at you much less cast you in anything.

This is an extremely hard thing for me because besides judging myself very harshly, I start to judge others harshly too. I see a girl who weighs more than me in class and I just think, "what is she doing here? She's never going to make it in the dance world with that body..." and then I want to shoot myself in the head. Who am I to judge those around me? Why am I conforming to this new perception of beauty?

I absolutely hate that people will say that long skinny legs is the ballet aesthetic. I completely disagree. Ballet is beautiful because of the quality of movement, the grace, and the purpose behind it. The shape of the body is not and was never what made ballet beautiful. But I digress...

As ballet dancers we are told to stand in a leotard and tights every day for hours on end, stare at ourselves in a full length mirror, and pick out our flaws. And if you have ever worn a leotard and tights let me just say that it doesn't hide much. We are constantly told that we shouldn't use the mirror to look at what we are doing right but use it to help us figure out what we are doing wrong. For me, mirrors aren't something that reflect beauty but instead help to magnify the ugly and the faults within me. Mirrors bring the thoughts of what can be fixed, what am I doing wrong, how ugly does that look through my head. And because of this my perception of beauty has changed. Beauty is not inherent in me. Beauty is something that can be achieved... by losing 15 pounds or gaining an extra degree of turnout or pointing my foot harder or getting my leg higher or stretching just a little bit longer. Ballet has taught me that beauty is something to be gained. Ballet has taught me that in order to be beautiful that you have to look just like everyone else. Ballet has taught me that if you eat that extra piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream then you are going to have to stay after class tomorrow and do some extra jumps. Ballet has taught me to judge myself and others based on this narrow range of ideals in what the ballerina should look like and not look like. Ballet has ultimately taught me that beauty can never be achieved.

And I think it's time that that changed. 

It's time for a new ballet beautiful. 

Not Just a Feeling

It's like you are drowning in an ocean and there is no surface to swim towards...

It's like you are buried in a hole and it continues to get deeper...

It's like you feel everything and nothing all at the same time... 

Depression. 

I had a teacher and someone I respect very much tell me that being sad and being depressed are just feelings... a mindset to control. She told the class that we needed to grow up and be adults and tackle these things. She said if you are depressed you need to get into the Bible and meditate and everything will be okay, because it's just a feeling that you can control.

Not.

Depression is not just a feeling that can be wished away. It is not just a mindset that can be controlled. Depression can be caused by a number of different things but it's not just a feeling like sadness that comes and goes. It lingers and hangs over someone's life and affects every single thing they do. It walks with them during the day and haunts their dreams at night. 

Since there are very few people that will read this, I will come right out and say that I am now on medication for depression. This is something that has controlled my life for the past 5 years. I didn't know the name of this darkness until last year but I have struggled with these same feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anxiety since I was in high school. 

People always ask me, are you okay? And I say no... but I don't know why. It just feels like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to breathe. These thoughts are trapped in my head... you're not good enough. You're a failure. You'll never amount to anything. How could you ever make a difference in the world? It's like I feel everything and nothing at the same time. It's an endless void, a black cloud, a never ending sea of hopelessness that I can't seem to get through. Healing is a joke, recovery is a lie. There's no getting out, there's no moving forward. And the problem is, people who have never experienced this, cannot understand what it's like. They can't understand why you're always sad, you're always quiet. It's not something I can just change. I cannot just flip a switch and be happy. You just feel numb. Empty. Worthless. Everything hurts at the same time, yet you can't feel anything at all. Your body is tired but your mind won't let you rest. You feel unimportant. Unseen. Unheard. Not felt. Not loved. This is what depression feels like to me. This is my life. 

I really wish people would stop treating people who are depressed as weak and self-seeking. Because we aren't. I wish I could be happy and smiling most of the time. I wish I didn't feel like bursting out in tears every time someone says something to me. I wish I could just get over it. I wish I didn't have to rely on medication.... but I do. 

Depression is not just a feeling. It's not just a mindset. You can't just get over it. And if you expect me to, then you are sadly mistaken. 

Who Fights For You?

Who fights for you when you can't pick up your sword?

Who stands for you when you can't hold yourself up?

Who protects you when you can't ward off the things battering against you?

Who cries with you when you can't stop the tears from falling?

Who laughs with you when you can't breathe from your giggling pile on the floor?

Who celebrates you when you can't even be proud of yourself?

Who affirms you when you don't feel like you're good enough?

We all deal with this. 

We all need these people. 

We all should be these people to others. 

Who are your people? 

Who do you fight for?

Who fights for you?

Why I won't call Someone my "Best Friend"

It's easy to compare cars based on different objective points. Which car has better gas mileage? Which car has better safety ratings? Which car has the extra features that I want? We, as humans, are constantly comparing. That car is better than that one because... that shirt is nicer than that one because...they have the best chocolate chip cookies because...

But what about people? How do people compare other people? We can compare and be compared by our hair, makeup, body shape, fashion, personality, character, and countless other things. But none of those are objective. All of those things that we use to compare human beings are all subjective.

I spend countless nights alone in my apartment browsing social media and I am constantly seeing posts about people hanging out with their best friend or watching movies with their best friend or how they are so very thankful for their best friend. Do I get a little jealous? Yea, sure! But beyond all of that, I have decided that I don't ever want to call someone my best friend.

The definition of best is, "of the most excellent, effective, or desirable type or quality. That which is the most excellent, outstanding, or desirable." Best implies favoritism. It implies a ranking, an order. It implies that something is above something else. When we call someone our 'best' friend, we are saying that you are my favorite and you surpass all of my other friends. By saying someone is our 'best' friend, we are ranking our friends and letting one come out on top.

When you rank things you compare them to each other and decide that one definitively comes out on top. When we rank our friends, we are comparing them to each other. By comparing, we are saying that someone else is not as good as another person. We are telling them they aren't good enough to be the 'best'.

By saying someone is our best friend we are saying someone else is not. We can't rank our friends. Sure, we can rank cars. But do we really have the authority to rank and compare people? For me, I have decided to never call someone my best friend. I wouldn't ever want someone to see that and think that they weren't good enough or that they didn't measure up to someone else. I know what that's like.... I have been ranked and judged and compared and I am constantly being told that I am not good enough. So, why would I ever want to inflict that kind of heart break onto someone else?