Be-loved!

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I don't know about you, but I wish I could count the number of days I sit around thinking that I'm not good enough. I can't measure up to someone else. Everyone else has more to offer than me. I keep thinking, someone else is skinnier than me, someone else is prettier than me, someone else is funnier than me or more deserving of love than me. I reject myself and everything that God has made beautiful about me. I reject his divine image in me. And by listening to these lies that I speak over myself, I drop further and further away from the truth that God is desperately wanting me to hear. 

Recently, I have fallen in love with the word beloved. Or in simpler terms... BE-LOVED! This is such a radical concept for me. For as long as I have known my mental thought process is that I have to do things in order to be worthy of love because on my own I could never be worthy of love. I have believed the lies I have told myself, that I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or funny enough or good enough. So in order to feel even slightly adequate I have to do things to make up for the things I think I innately lack. I make people things, I drive people places, I listen to people knowing that they would never offer me the same support, I fill my time up doing things for other people and pouring my heart and soul into being good enough at ballet or academics. I have found that the more I do, the more worn out and burned out I feel. By my actions alone, I can never feel worthy of love, especially God's love. 

So then I start thinking, great... so I really am unlovable. But, recently I have come to discover and believe a new truth about myself. As I am, I am worthy of love. Just by being, I am worthy of love. That's such a radical thing!!! Let's think about it... in every relationship we engage in on earth we give love to people because of what they do. If they make us mad or tick us off, we withhold love; but if we are happy with each other then we freely give our love. That's not the case with God. He gives us love freely whether we deserve it or not just because we are His. We are his beloved. And we are called to accept that, and BE-LOVED! We are automatically worthy of love and are unconditionally loved because of whose we are, not who we are. We are His! 

And he wants us to stop running ourselves into the ground with all these things that we think we should be doing. Instead, he wants us to spend time simply being. Being the beloved. Being who we are and accepting not rejecting the divine image in each of us. And I've been trying to remember this recently... every time I start to reject myself and hate things about myself, I have to remember that I am hating the parts of me that God delights in. I may hate the way that I feel things so deeply, but God loves that about me and made that part specifically and uniquely for me. Once I learn to accept these parts of me that God so lovingly made for me, I can begin to rest in the fact that I am his beloved. I don't have to strive to be good enough, simply by being myself and living in my belovedness I can know that I am worthy of love. 

More than I Wanted

I wish I could say that my summer has been off to a great start but alas... that's not even close to the truth. I have been battling with feelings of hopelessness and despair the past couple of weeks. I have an issue with my feet that will not get better. It is only going to get worse and conservative treatment isn't helping when I dance. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that this could end my dancing career forever. 

I have been questioning God and getting mad at Him. I am confused at why He would put these desires to dance in my heart and yet I carry the hereditary gene for bunions. No one else in my family got bunions but me. The dancer. Great. Thanks, God.

On my way to work in the mornings, I turn on a Christian radio station because it helps get my mind in the right place for the rest of the day. One morning, this song came on by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Save my Life." I heard the chorus and I just broke down crying in the car. This is exactly what my heart has been saying to God. And it is painfully true. 

I have all these hopes and dreams and wants for myself and my life but I have started to realize that God is greater than all of that. He surpasses all of my earthly wants and dreams. It hasn't been easy but I have begun to see that if God takes dance out of my life, something else great will take it's place. "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

 He can be more than all I've ever wanted. He is my strength and my hope. Only He can save my life.

"Tell me what I need to hear. 

Tell me that I'm not forgotten. 

Show me you're the God who can be more than all I've ever wanted. 

Cause right now I need a little hope, 

I need to know that I'm not alone. 

I can hear you calling me tonight, Jesus, 

only you can save my life." 

-Sidewalk Prophets

Learning to Hope for More

As some of you probably know, I have been dealing with some major foot issues as of late. The pain I feel because of this injury is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wish I could tell you the number of times I have cried due to the amount of pain or because of how scared I was and am because of this unexplained injury... but I lost track. It has been 3 months and I have seen 3 different doctors and gotten 3 different responses about this issue and it's not getting any better.

I wish I could say that it is no big deal and that dancers get injured all the time and that I'm not worried... but that would be a lie. I am scared. I am worried. I am losing hope.

In the midst of feeling like my dance career is ending, I am striving to remember to not give up hope. I have been scared by my dreams before and I have persevered with God's help and I can do it again.

We all have these times in our lives that look like they will defeat us but I have to remember that God is greater than all of this yet he knows me intimately. He knows my wants. He knows my desires. He knows that my wish is to glorify him through my art form. He will not give up on me so I shouldn't give up on him.

I'm striving to hope for more. I'm hoping for more than defeat. I'm hoping for more than the crushing of my dreams. I'm hoping for more than to live in fear of what could go wrong. I'm hoping for more because I'm placing my hope in the One who is more than anything else in this life.

"Hope is the ability to hear the melody of the future. Faith is the courage to dance to it today."

Just for Fun!

We spend so much of our lives worrying.... worrying about our grades, our friendships, our finances, or our health. And sometimes we worry about worrying. It's a natural thing that we all do as humans.

At Friends, we have what we call 'reading day' which is a day off from academic classes the day before finals start so the students can study. Some people were worried about finals, some were not. Regardless, several of the dancers took time away from studying to just have some fun. 

This was the result... enjoy! :) 

Loneliness is Lonely

I hear the word 'lonely' all the time. I started thinking about what that word means and what it means in my life. So often, people will tell me that they are lonely like it is some temporary feeling that can be relieved simply by being in good company or in the presence of other people.

According to Merriam Webster, the definition of loneliness is "being without company, cut off from others, or sad from being alone."

This word is close to my heart and my life as a grew up as a social outcast. I never fit in with most girls and because of that I went through alot of pain trying to come to terms and understand all of the feelings of loneliness and isolation that I endured. Until I got to college I had a different view of this word. I always had these overwhelming feelings of loneliness but I didn't think I could be lonely because I was always surrounded by my family, right?

As I've gotten to college I have still struggled with loneliness even though I am surrounded by people. So, I got to thinking. Maybe loneliness isn't just a temporary feeling, maybe it is a disconnect somewhere inside of us. I believe that loneliness wells up within us when there is a disconnect from genuine community. Now, I'm not talking about community in the sense that you go out with some friends to get ice cream. I'm talking about the real community that sits down and talks about what's really going on in their lives. People who will ask the hard questions, go deeper, and want to know the ugly stuff that goes on in our lives (because believe me, everyone has that ugly stuff). That's what real community is. It goes beyond the shallow knee deep type of relationship and dives head first into the deep waters in a person's soul.

These types of relationships don't come along that often, but if they do, you need to hold onto that. Those relationships, as few and far between as they are, are life giving. They are vital for drawing away those feelings of loneliness. And if these relationships don't come there will always be one person who will never leave us.

I hit a really rough period a few weeks ago. I was just laying on my bed feeling as if my heart was going to rip in two. All of the sudden, this song came on my Spotify and I started crying. The song is called "I am not Alone," by Kari Jobe. It paints a beautiful picture of how even in our darkest times, God will go before us so we are never alone. This song touched me and really met me where I was at the time. As I was listening to the song again later, I had an idea start to form in my mind. I decided to make a video that would hopefully capture just a portion of the emotions I felt while listening to this song for the first time.

I decided to center this video around ballet. For some of you, it may be hard to understand, but ballet is not always the easiest environment for me. I often feel alone and isolated with my problems and my struggles. I feel like there is no one who sees me and no one who cares to listen to my heartaches. This song reminded me that there is someone there. He is my Creator and he calls me his child. I am called and I am loved by the One who holds my heart. He hears me. He sees me. Ultimately, I dance because he has never left me. Even though I might sometimes take a few steps back, he never turns away from me.

To the girl...

To the girl who sits alone in the lunch room. To the girl who sits in the back of the classroom at an empty table. To the girl who cries alone in her closet so no one else will hear her.

You matter.

To the girl who doesn't get picked to play at recess. To the girl who doesn't get invited to sleepovers. To the girl who gets left out of group messages.

You matter.

To the girl who will bend over backwards to help someone but doesn't get anything in return. To the girl who smiles because she doesn't want everyone to know how much she's falling apart. To the girl who wonders if things will ever change or if she even deserves for things to change.

You matter.

But no matter how many times you hear it, you're not going to believe it. That's just the way you are. You're the type of person that sees worth in everyone else but yourself. You see beauty in everyone else but yourself. But guess what?

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You matter.

You've probably heard over and over again the fact that God loves you and that you're not alone. But who actually believes that? You probably don't. But whether or not you believe it doesn't make it any less true. You have been chosen for this life you are living because God doesn't always call the popular kids or the people who have successful lives. He calls the tax collectors, the fishers, or an ordinary virgin... he doesn't call the extraordinary. He picks the ordinary and the outcasts time and time again.

You are loved. You are chosen. You matter.

To the girl who's alone... and crying... and wondering whether it's ever going to change. I hear you. I feel you. Because I am you. I am that girl. This is my life.

It's easy for me to write this on my blog and make it look nice and neat and pretty. But it's not. If you are one of these girls then you know. We can read these pretty words all day long and maybe start to believe it in our heads but it seems like it will never make its way into our hearts. But until that day comes, we will just have to keep telling ourselves these pretty words.

We deserve the best. We deserve to be picked first. We matter.

We are beautiful. We are worth it. We matter.

We are loved. We are chosen. We matter.

"What if I fall.... oh, my darling, what if you Fly?"

If I say change....does that make you excited? Or does it make you anxious... nervous? Have you ever had a huge change in your life that made you so excited and happy yet completely terrified at the same time? 

I believe that everyone experiences this kind of change every once in a while in their lives. It may happen at any point in our lives. Mine came when I was about to graduate from high school and I knew that everything would change. There are several things that can happen during a huge change such as this, and I had people from my graduating class do both of these. You can choose to stay where you are, in your comfort zone and continue to do what you know and what you are comfortable with or you can choose to jump into the unknown. 

I chose the latter. 

I was at war with myself for a while during my senior year of high school. Should I stay at home and continue doing what I know? Should I be brave and take a chance? My answer came when I received a ballet scholarship to study at Friends University. At this moment, I knew I had to leave. I was very excited but underneath that, I was also terrified. I had to leave Texas, my family, my home, my friends, my comfort zone, and all that I had known and move to Kansas to live with someone I didn't know, go to classes with people I didn't know, and dance under teachers I wasn't familiar with. It was terrifying. 

Some people may know this but there were many times during my first semester that I almost gave in to the fear that was surrounding me. I almost moved back home, stopped dancing all together, and just quit. Life was testing me and I almost gave up. Thankfully, I didn't. I am still dancing, still going to Friends, and still continuing to grow in myself and my abilities. 

This journey that I am on has not been easy in any way. I have been challenged and knocked down more times than I care to count. I have cried more tears than I care to remember and I have been in pain more times than I care to write about. The one thing that has stuck with me since senior year is this idea of flying. My parents said at the end of my blessing video for graduation, "now, you can fly." I didn't really know what that would mean back then, but I think I do now. Flying has always been an image that I hold in my head and I can relate to. In order to fly, you have to take off against the wind. I didn't know it at the time but as I left for college I was definitely going against the wind. Turning around and just letting the wind carry me would have been easier, and I almost did that. But since I started here, I haven't turned around. I have pushed into the wind and stood my ground. You will never be able to fly with the wind at your back so stand strong in the change. Grow and live through the change and maybe in those moments you will start to fly and just maybe find out who you truly are.

"She took the leap and built her wings on the way down." 

Life is an adventure and sometimes it takes jumping over the edge in order to truly know what you are made of. You might fall and fail.... but what if you learn to fly instead?