Loneliness is Lonely

I hear the word 'lonely' all the time. I started thinking about what that word means and what it means in my life. So often, people will tell me that they are lonely like it is some temporary feeling that can be relieved simply by being in good company or in the presence of other people.

According to Merriam Webster, the definition of loneliness is "being without company, cut off from others, or sad from being alone."

This word is close to my heart and my life as a grew up as a social outcast. I never fit in with most girls and because of that I went through alot of pain trying to come to terms and understand all of the feelings of loneliness and isolation that I endured. Until I got to college I had a different view of this word. I always had these overwhelming feelings of loneliness but I didn't think I could be lonely because I was always surrounded by my family, right?

As I've gotten to college I have still struggled with loneliness even though I am surrounded by people. So, I got to thinking. Maybe loneliness isn't just a temporary feeling, maybe it is a disconnect somewhere inside of us. I believe that loneliness wells up within us when there is a disconnect from genuine community. Now, I'm not talking about community in the sense that you go out with some friends to get ice cream. I'm talking about the real community that sits down and talks about what's really going on in their lives. People who will ask the hard questions, go deeper, and want to know the ugly stuff that goes on in our lives (because believe me, everyone has that ugly stuff). That's what real community is. It goes beyond the shallow knee deep type of relationship and dives head first into the deep waters in a person's soul.

These types of relationships don't come along that often, but if they do, you need to hold onto that. Those relationships, as few and far between as they are, are life giving. They are vital for drawing away those feelings of loneliness. And if these relationships don't come there will always be one person who will never leave us.

I hit a really rough period a few weeks ago. I was just laying on my bed feeling as if my heart was going to rip in two. All of the sudden, this song came on my Spotify and I started crying. The song is called "I am not Alone," by Kari Jobe. It paints a beautiful picture of how even in our darkest times, God will go before us so we are never alone. This song touched me and really met me where I was at the time. As I was listening to the song again later, I had an idea start to form in my mind. I decided to make a video that would hopefully capture just a portion of the emotions I felt while listening to this song for the first time.

I decided to center this video around ballet. For some of you, it may be hard to understand, but ballet is not always the easiest environment for me. I often feel alone and isolated with my problems and my struggles. I feel like there is no one who sees me and no one who cares to listen to my heartaches. This song reminded me that there is someone there. He is my Creator and he calls me his child. I am called and I am loved by the One who holds my heart. He hears me. He sees me. Ultimately, I dance because he has never left me. Even though I might sometimes take a few steps back, he never turns away from me.