Learning to Hope for More

As some of you probably know, I have been dealing with some major foot issues as of late. The pain I feel because of this injury is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wish I could tell you the number of times I have cried due to the amount of pain or because of how scared I was and am because of this unexplained injury... but I lost track. It has been 3 months and I have seen 3 different doctors and gotten 3 different responses about this issue and it's not getting any better.

I wish I could say that it is no big deal and that dancers get injured all the time and that I'm not worried... but that would be a lie. I am scared. I am worried. I am losing hope.

In the midst of feeling like my dance career is ending, I am striving to remember to not give up hope. I have been scared by my dreams before and I have persevered with God's help and I can do it again.

We all have these times in our lives that look like they will defeat us but I have to remember that God is greater than all of this yet he knows me intimately. He knows my wants. He knows my desires. He knows that my wish is to glorify him through my art form. He will not give up on me so I shouldn't give up on him.

I'm striving to hope for more. I'm hoping for more than defeat. I'm hoping for more than the crushing of my dreams. I'm hoping for more than to live in fear of what could go wrong. I'm hoping for more because I'm placing my hope in the One who is more than anything else in this life.

"Hope is the ability to hear the melody of the future. Faith is the courage to dance to it today."

Just for Fun!

We spend so much of our lives worrying.... worrying about our grades, our friendships, our finances, or our health. And sometimes we worry about worrying. It's a natural thing that we all do as humans.

At Friends, we have what we call 'reading day' which is a day off from academic classes the day before finals start so the students can study. Some people were worried about finals, some were not. Regardless, several of the dancers took time away from studying to just have some fun. 

This was the result... enjoy! :) 

Loneliness is Lonely

I hear the word 'lonely' all the time. I started thinking about what that word means and what it means in my life. So often, people will tell me that they are lonely like it is some temporary feeling that can be relieved simply by being in good company or in the presence of other people.

According to Merriam Webster, the definition of loneliness is "being without company, cut off from others, or sad from being alone."

This word is close to my heart and my life as a grew up as a social outcast. I never fit in with most girls and because of that I went through alot of pain trying to come to terms and understand all of the feelings of loneliness and isolation that I endured. Until I got to college I had a different view of this word. I always had these overwhelming feelings of loneliness but I didn't think I could be lonely because I was always surrounded by my family, right?

As I've gotten to college I have still struggled with loneliness even though I am surrounded by people. So, I got to thinking. Maybe loneliness isn't just a temporary feeling, maybe it is a disconnect somewhere inside of us. I believe that loneliness wells up within us when there is a disconnect from genuine community. Now, I'm not talking about community in the sense that you go out with some friends to get ice cream. I'm talking about the real community that sits down and talks about what's really going on in their lives. People who will ask the hard questions, go deeper, and want to know the ugly stuff that goes on in our lives (because believe me, everyone has that ugly stuff). That's what real community is. It goes beyond the shallow knee deep type of relationship and dives head first into the deep waters in a person's soul.

These types of relationships don't come along that often, but if they do, you need to hold onto that. Those relationships, as few and far between as they are, are life giving. They are vital for drawing away those feelings of loneliness. And if these relationships don't come there will always be one person who will never leave us.

I hit a really rough period a few weeks ago. I was just laying on my bed feeling as if my heart was going to rip in two. All of the sudden, this song came on my Spotify and I started crying. The song is called "I am not Alone," by Kari Jobe. It paints a beautiful picture of how even in our darkest times, God will go before us so we are never alone. This song touched me and really met me where I was at the time. As I was listening to the song again later, I had an idea start to form in my mind. I decided to make a video that would hopefully capture just a portion of the emotions I felt while listening to this song for the first time.

I decided to center this video around ballet. For some of you, it may be hard to understand, but ballet is not always the easiest environment for me. I often feel alone and isolated with my problems and my struggles. I feel like there is no one who sees me and no one who cares to listen to my heartaches. This song reminded me that there is someone there. He is my Creator and he calls me his child. I am called and I am loved by the One who holds my heart. He hears me. He sees me. Ultimately, I dance because he has never left me. Even though I might sometimes take a few steps back, he never turns away from me.

To the girl...

To the girl who sits alone in the lunch room. To the girl who sits in the back of the classroom at an empty table. To the girl who cries alone in her closet so no one else will hear her.

You matter.

To the girl who doesn't get picked to play at recess. To the girl who doesn't get invited to sleepovers. To the girl who gets left out of group messages.

You matter.

To the girl who will bend over backwards to help someone but doesn't get anything in return. To the girl who smiles because she doesn't want everyone to know how much she's falling apart. To the girl who wonders if things will ever change or if she even deserves for things to change.

You matter.

But no matter how many times you hear it, you're not going to believe it. That's just the way you are. You're the type of person that sees worth in everyone else but yourself. You see beauty in everyone else but yourself. But guess what?

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You matter.

You've probably heard over and over again the fact that God loves you and that you're not alone. But who actually believes that? You probably don't. But whether or not you believe it doesn't make it any less true. You have been chosen for this life you are living because God doesn't always call the popular kids or the people who have successful lives. He calls the tax collectors, the fishers, or an ordinary virgin... he doesn't call the extraordinary. He picks the ordinary and the outcasts time and time again.

You are loved. You are chosen. You matter.

To the girl who's alone... and crying... and wondering whether it's ever going to change. I hear you. I feel you. Because I am you. I am that girl. This is my life.

It's easy for me to write this on my blog and make it look nice and neat and pretty. But it's not. If you are one of these girls then you know. We can read these pretty words all day long and maybe start to believe it in our heads but it seems like it will never make its way into our hearts. But until that day comes, we will just have to keep telling ourselves these pretty words.

We deserve the best. We deserve to be picked first. We matter.

We are beautiful. We are worth it. We matter.

We are loved. We are chosen. We matter.

"What if I fall.... oh, my darling, what if you Fly?"

If I say change....does that make you excited? Or does it make you anxious... nervous? Have you ever had a huge change in your life that made you so excited and happy yet completely terrified at the same time? 

I believe that everyone experiences this kind of change every once in a while in their lives. It may happen at any point in our lives. Mine came when I was about to graduate from high school and I knew that everything would change. There are several things that can happen during a huge change such as this, and I had people from my graduating class do both of these. You can choose to stay where you are, in your comfort zone and continue to do what you know and what you are comfortable with or you can choose to jump into the unknown. 

I chose the latter. 

I was at war with myself for a while during my senior year of high school. Should I stay at home and continue doing what I know? Should I be brave and take a chance? My answer came when I received a ballet scholarship to study at Friends University. At this moment, I knew I had to leave. I was very excited but underneath that, I was also terrified. I had to leave Texas, my family, my home, my friends, my comfort zone, and all that I had known and move to Kansas to live with someone I didn't know, go to classes with people I didn't know, and dance under teachers I wasn't familiar with. It was terrifying. 

Some people may know this but there were many times during my first semester that I almost gave in to the fear that was surrounding me. I almost moved back home, stopped dancing all together, and just quit. Life was testing me and I almost gave up. Thankfully, I didn't. I am still dancing, still going to Friends, and still continuing to grow in myself and my abilities. 

This journey that I am on has not been easy in any way. I have been challenged and knocked down more times than I care to count. I have cried more tears than I care to remember and I have been in pain more times than I care to write about. The one thing that has stuck with me since senior year is this idea of flying. My parents said at the end of my blessing video for graduation, "now, you can fly." I didn't really know what that would mean back then, but I think I do now. Flying has always been an image that I hold in my head and I can relate to. In order to fly, you have to take off against the wind. I didn't know it at the time but as I left for college I was definitely going against the wind. Turning around and just letting the wind carry me would have been easier, and I almost did that. But since I started here, I haven't turned around. I have pushed into the wind and stood my ground. You will never be able to fly with the wind at your back so stand strong in the change. Grow and live through the change and maybe in those moments you will start to fly and just maybe find out who you truly are.

"She took the leap and built her wings on the way down." 

Life is an adventure and sometimes it takes jumping over the edge in order to truly know what you are made of. You might fall and fail.... but what if you learn to fly instead?

The God who Believes in Me

If you have lived for any length of time then you have probably been told that you couldn't do something. Now, I'm not talking about the... you can't have another cookie because you've already had two, type thing. I'm talking about the... you can't because you are too fat. You can't because you are too short. You can't because you're not good enough.

These comments that people tell us, are like pages that turn into chapters that eventually turn into books. We stash those books in a library that we keep in our mind. We pull them out, read over them, and let the words inside have power over our lives.

I can't go on pointe in ballet because of my flat feet. I can't partner because I weigh too much. I can't get into a ballet program in college because of my technique level. I can't be a dancer because I won't be able to support myself.

#ICANT

It may feel like the whole world is against you. Everyone tells you good luck and
laughs when you try. You try and try and never get picked. You work hard and never get a moment in the spotlight. Regardless of how many people are against you, there is always one who will always be for you.

I believe in the God who believes in me. I believe in the God who encourages and supports me. No matter what.

No matter how many times people tell me that I can't, he will always tell me that I can. He believes in me, he supports me, and he encourages me to believe in myself. He helps me to change the I can't into the I can. He gives me a glimpse that for once, maybe I can.

#ICAN

*I can take no credit for the #ICAN in this post. The creator of the #ICAN movement is a good friend of mine. His blog can be found at https://thefredtimes.wordpress.com/ or @thefredtimes on Twitter. If you liked this, subscribe to my page and then go subscribe to his! 

For the "Happy" Kids

Have you ever listened to someone's testimony and thought that you could never compare to that?

Have you ever listened to stories from friends about struggles in their lives that are worse than anything you've gone through?

This is for the "happy" kids. 

The ones who grew up in a solid family.

The ones who didn't have anyone close to them die.

The ones who believed in God by the time they were 3. 

The ones who were just ordinary. 

I am one of those kids.

For years I went to church, and heard countless testimonies about near death experiences, drugs, alcohol, broken families, fatal diseases... and the list goes on. For years, I thought I didn't measure up, I thought that my story didn't matter because I was just ordinary. I thought that I didn't matter. And, I still think that.

But like I said earlier, this is for the "happy" kids. And why do I say that?

Because if you are like me, you are expected to be "happy." My parents are not divorced, I'm not living on food stamps, I'm not addicted to cocaine, have an eating disorder, sleep around...

So the world says:

I'm supposed to be "happy."

I can't be a leader because I haven't gone through anything.

I cannot connect with people who have gone through stuff because I wouldn't understand.

And I can't ever be an inspiration to someone, because my life is ordinary. 

If you are like me, then you may think that you don't matter. That your story doesn't matter. You may think, people could care less about your life. I just want to tell you that your story matters. You matter.

I was reading a book the other day and the author was talking about what it took back in Jesus's time for a young boy to become a Rabbi. The boy would have to memorize and recite all the scripture that was recorded at the time as well as historical facts and countless other things. The higher in his education he got, the more intense it became. Most boys didn't make it to the top and dropped out to learn their family trade. The ones who made it were considered the elite, the best of the best. In order for them to finish their education, they had to go to work under a current Rabbi. They would go to a Rabbi and ask to work with them. After what seemed like an interrogation, the Rabbi would either accept the boy to come and work under him, or say no. If he said no, the boy would go back and learn his family trade. Those Rabbi positions were highly sought after and only few were called. Those few, we could say, have been through the most "stuff." They had the most to their name and had endured what most people hadn't. 

Let's jump from that, and look over at Jesus. He comes into town and calls the fishermen, the tax collectors, the carpenters... these were guys who never made it to the top. They didn't have anything to their name. They were "ordinary." When Jesus came, he didn't call the men with the best testimony or the hardest life story. He called on the "ordinary," "happy" kids. 

So when you are tempted to think that:

 you aren't important

that you don't matter

that you don't have an important role to play...

... remember this.

God called you. 

And God called me. 

Your story matters.