Beauty Can Never Be Achieved

Everyone knows that ballet is for the skinny girls. That's not a stereotype, that's just the truth. For me, I have always been considered heavy or a plus size person in the ballet world so I know the harshness of this truth. I used to believe I was beautiful the way I was. I used to believe I was skinny. I used to not hate myself after eating a bowl of ice cream or an extra piece of pizza. But ballet changed this for me. Tonight as I was standing in ballet class I just had the thought that ballet has completely changed my perception of beauty. For a lot of women, the media has changed their perception of beauty... but that's not the case for me. I know those women are photo-shopped and that they are not the norm of society. But in the ballet world, skinny is the norm and if you aren't perfectly skinny then teachers and directors don't even look at you much less cast you in anything.

This is an extremely hard thing for me because besides judging myself very harshly, I start to judge others harshly too. I see a girl who weighs more than me in class and I just think, "what is she doing here? She's never going to make it in the dance world with that body..." and then I want to shoot myself in the head. Who am I to judge those around me? Why am I conforming to this new perception of beauty?

I absolutely hate that people will say that long skinny legs is the ballet aesthetic. I completely disagree. Ballet is beautiful because of the quality of movement, the grace, and the purpose behind it. The shape of the body is not and was never what made ballet beautiful. But I digress...

As ballet dancers we are told to stand in a leotard and tights every day for hours on end, stare at ourselves in a full length mirror, and pick out our flaws. And if you have ever worn a leotard and tights let me just say that it doesn't hide much. We are constantly told that we shouldn't use the mirror to look at what we are doing right but use it to help us figure out what we are doing wrong. For me, mirrors aren't something that reflect beauty but instead help to magnify the ugly and the faults within me. Mirrors bring the thoughts of what can be fixed, what am I doing wrong, how ugly does that look through my head. And because of this my perception of beauty has changed. Beauty is not inherent in me. Beauty is something that can be achieved... by losing 15 pounds or gaining an extra degree of turnout or pointing my foot harder or getting my leg higher or stretching just a little bit longer. Ballet has taught me that beauty is something to be gained. Ballet has taught me that in order to be beautiful that you have to look just like everyone else. Ballet has taught me that if you eat that extra piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream then you are going to have to stay after class tomorrow and do some extra jumps. Ballet has taught me to judge myself and others based on this narrow range of ideals in what the ballerina should look like and not look like. Ballet has ultimately taught me that beauty can never be achieved.

And I think it's time that that changed. 

It's time for a new ballet beautiful. 

Not Just a Feeling

It's like you are drowning in an ocean and there is no surface to swim towards...

It's like you are buried in a hole and it continues to get deeper...

It's like you feel everything and nothing all at the same time... 

Depression. 

I had a teacher and someone I respect very much tell me that being sad and being depressed are just feelings... a mindset to control. She told the class that we needed to grow up and be adults and tackle these things. She said if you are depressed you need to get into the Bible and meditate and everything will be okay, because it's just a feeling that you can control.

Not.

Depression is not just a feeling that can be wished away. It is not just a mindset that can be controlled. Depression can be caused by a number of different things but it's not just a feeling like sadness that comes and goes. It lingers and hangs over someone's life and affects every single thing they do. It walks with them during the day and haunts their dreams at night. 

Since there are very few people that will read this, I will come right out and say that I am now on medication for depression. This is something that has controlled my life for the past 5 years. I didn't know the name of this darkness until last year but I have struggled with these same feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anxiety since I was in high school. 

People always ask me, are you okay? And I say no... but I don't know why. It just feels like I'm drowning. I'm just trying to breathe. These thoughts are trapped in my head... you're not good enough. You're a failure. You'll never amount to anything. How could you ever make a difference in the world? It's like I feel everything and nothing at the same time. It's an endless void, a black cloud, a never ending sea of hopelessness that I can't seem to get through. Healing is a joke, recovery is a lie. There's no getting out, there's no moving forward. And the problem is, people who have never experienced this, cannot understand what it's like. They can't understand why you're always sad, you're always quiet. It's not something I can just change. I cannot just flip a switch and be happy. You just feel numb. Empty. Worthless. Everything hurts at the same time, yet you can't feel anything at all. Your body is tired but your mind won't let you rest. You feel unimportant. Unseen. Unheard. Not felt. Not loved. This is what depression feels like to me. This is my life. 

I really wish people would stop treating people who are depressed as weak and self-seeking. Because we aren't. I wish I could be happy and smiling most of the time. I wish I didn't feel like bursting out in tears every time someone says something to me. I wish I could just get over it. I wish I didn't have to rely on medication.... but I do. 

Depression is not just a feeling. It's not just a mindset. You can't just get over it. And if you expect me to, then you are sadly mistaken. 

Who Fights For You?

Who fights for you when you can't pick up your sword?

Who stands for you when you can't hold yourself up?

Who protects you when you can't ward off the things battering against you?

Who cries with you when you can't stop the tears from falling?

Who laughs with you when you can't breathe from your giggling pile on the floor?

Who celebrates you when you can't even be proud of yourself?

Who affirms you when you don't feel like you're good enough?

We all deal with this. 

We all need these people. 

We all should be these people to others. 

Who are your people? 

Who do you fight for?

Who fights for you?

Why I won't call Someone my "Best Friend"

It's easy to compare cars based on different objective points. Which car has better gas mileage? Which car has better safety ratings? Which car has the extra features that I want? We, as humans, are constantly comparing. That car is better than that one because... that shirt is nicer than that one because...they have the best chocolate chip cookies because...

But what about people? How do people compare other people? We can compare and be compared by our hair, makeup, body shape, fashion, personality, character, and countless other things. But none of those are objective. All of those things that we use to compare human beings are all subjective.

I spend countless nights alone in my apartment browsing social media and I am constantly seeing posts about people hanging out with their best friend or watching movies with their best friend or how they are so very thankful for their best friend. Do I get a little jealous? Yea, sure! But beyond all of that, I have decided that I don't ever want to call someone my best friend.

The definition of best is, "of the most excellent, effective, or desirable type or quality. That which is the most excellent, outstanding, or desirable." Best implies favoritism. It implies a ranking, an order. It implies that something is above something else. When we call someone our 'best' friend, we are saying that you are my favorite and you surpass all of my other friends. By saying someone is our 'best' friend, we are ranking our friends and letting one come out on top.

When you rank things you compare them to each other and decide that one definitively comes out on top. When we rank our friends, we are comparing them to each other. By comparing, we are saying that someone else is not as good as another person. We are telling them they aren't good enough to be the 'best'.

By saying someone is our best friend we are saying someone else is not. We can't rank our friends. Sure, we can rank cars. But do we really have the authority to rank and compare people? For me, I have decided to never call someone my best friend. I wouldn't ever want someone to see that and think that they weren't good enough or that they didn't measure up to someone else. I know what that's like.... I have been ranked and judged and compared and I am constantly being told that I am not good enough. So, why would I ever want to inflict that kind of heart break onto someone else?

I am NOT a Dancer

When you are introducing yourself to a group of people you usually start out by saying, "Hi, my name is ______ and I am a _______." We all associate ourselves with one thing or another. To most people this seems normal and almost expected. Now that you've introduced yourself, you have a label. This label is how other people will see you from now on and how you will be defined. For me, this label has always been that I am a dancer. In high school I was proud of this. I wore this label on my arm 24/7 for everyone to see. It's not only what I did but it became who I was.

I left for college and I began to see that that label I wore did not adequately define me. I started to see that maybe I didn't want to be labeled at all. Maybe this label was only a way to shove me into a category so I would look like everyone else.

I came to realize that I did not want to look like everyone else.

I got so caught up in the fact that my identity and who I thought I should be was all wrapped up in what I did. I thought that by sticking this label on myself that someone would want me. Friends would accept me. Teachers would like me. Boys would notice me. I did not realize the danger of this until part way through my freshman year. By wearing that label and defining myself by that, I allowed my identity and my worth to be swayed. Instead of seeing myself as beautiful and loved, I started to see myself as not flexible enough, not turned out enough, not skinny enough, not strong enough. And these "not enoughs" come with anything, not just ballet. But because I had decided to define myself by ballet, the words that were being spoken into me were not only applying to my dancing but to the core of who I was.

A huge climax moment in a dancers life is when the cast list comes out. That tells you who the directors like and don't like, who is good enough and who is not, and who is skinny enough and who is not. As I walked up to check the cast list today, I kept telling myself that this does not define me. This is not where my worth comes from. But of course, after I looked at it I got beat down. The thoughts raced through my head immediately. You aren't good enough. You don't deserve it. You're not skinny enough. You're not _____ enough.... the list goes on and on.

I sometimes imagine God in heaven just shaking his head.... not in anger but in sadness that I just can't seem to grasp the fact that that label does not define me. I am not defined by what part I get in the next show. I am not defined by how many pirouettes I can do or how high I can jump. My worth does not come from ballet or the parts I get. My worth can never come from that because if it does, I always lose. ALWAYS. There is never a winning situation there. If I place my identity and my worth in something I do, I will always fail.

God really does have a sense of humor and if you don't believe me, just read the Bible. But seriously, I just looked over on my white board and this is the quote I currently have written up there. "The heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that and let it become the most important thing in your life." (Brennan Manning)

God has chosen me, even when no one else does. He always picks me, always loves me, always believes in me. If I put my worth in that label on my arm, whatever sport I play, whatever job I have... I will always lose. I will always fail. There is no winning solution. But when I decide to place my worth in God and my label becomes that I am beloved by God, I will always win. God made me and breathed life into me and why would I want that beautiful part of who I am to be tarnished by something material. God gave me my worth. He defined me. By allowing myself to be defined by something else, I am saying that God's definition of me is irrelevant. But when my worth rests in God, I cannot and will not be swayed. God calls me his beloved and his child and when I embrace that and let that be my worth and the label that I wear on my arm, I will always be victorious.

Be-loved!

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I don't know about you, but I wish I could count the number of days I sit around thinking that I'm not good enough. I can't measure up to someone else. Everyone else has more to offer than me. I keep thinking, someone else is skinnier than me, someone else is prettier than me, someone else is funnier than me or more deserving of love than me. I reject myself and everything that God has made beautiful about me. I reject his divine image in me. And by listening to these lies that I speak over myself, I drop further and further away from the truth that God is desperately wanting me to hear. 

Recently, I have fallen in love with the word beloved. Or in simpler terms... BE-LOVED! This is such a radical concept for me. For as long as I have known my mental thought process is that I have to do things in order to be worthy of love because on my own I could never be worthy of love. I have believed the lies I have told myself, that I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or funny enough or good enough. So in order to feel even slightly adequate I have to do things to make up for the things I think I innately lack. I make people things, I drive people places, I listen to people knowing that they would never offer me the same support, I fill my time up doing things for other people and pouring my heart and soul into being good enough at ballet or academics. I have found that the more I do, the more worn out and burned out I feel. By my actions alone, I can never feel worthy of love, especially God's love. 

So then I start thinking, great... so I really am unlovable. But, recently I have come to discover and believe a new truth about myself. As I am, I am worthy of love. Just by being, I am worthy of love. That's such a radical thing!!! Let's think about it... in every relationship we engage in on earth we give love to people because of what they do. If they make us mad or tick us off, we withhold love; but if we are happy with each other then we freely give our love. That's not the case with God. He gives us love freely whether we deserve it or not just because we are His. We are his beloved. And we are called to accept that, and BE-LOVED! We are automatically worthy of love and are unconditionally loved because of whose we are, not who we are. We are His! 

And he wants us to stop running ourselves into the ground with all these things that we think we should be doing. Instead, he wants us to spend time simply being. Being the beloved. Being who we are and accepting not rejecting the divine image in each of us. And I've been trying to remember this recently... every time I start to reject myself and hate things about myself, I have to remember that I am hating the parts of me that God delights in. I may hate the way that I feel things so deeply, but God loves that about me and made that part specifically and uniquely for me. Once I learn to accept these parts of me that God so lovingly made for me, I can begin to rest in the fact that I am his beloved. I don't have to strive to be good enough, simply by being myself and living in my belovedness I can know that I am worthy of love. 

More than I Wanted

I wish I could say that my summer has been off to a great start but alas... that's not even close to the truth. I have been battling with feelings of hopelessness and despair the past couple of weeks. I have an issue with my feet that will not get better. It is only going to get worse and conservative treatment isn't helping when I dance. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that this could end my dancing career forever. 

I have been questioning God and getting mad at Him. I am confused at why He would put these desires to dance in my heart and yet I carry the hereditary gene for bunions. No one else in my family got bunions but me. The dancer. Great. Thanks, God.

On my way to work in the mornings, I turn on a Christian radio station because it helps get my mind in the right place for the rest of the day. One morning, this song came on by the Sidewalk Prophets called "Save my Life." I heard the chorus and I just broke down crying in the car. This is exactly what my heart has been saying to God. And it is painfully true. 

I have all these hopes and dreams and wants for myself and my life but I have started to realize that God is greater than all of that. He surpasses all of my earthly wants and dreams. It hasn't been easy but I have begun to see that if God takes dance out of my life, something else great will take it's place. "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

 He can be more than all I've ever wanted. He is my strength and my hope. Only He can save my life.

"Tell me what I need to hear. 

Tell me that I'm not forgotten. 

Show me you're the God who can be more than all I've ever wanted. 

Cause right now I need a little hope, 

I need to know that I'm not alone. 

I can hear you calling me tonight, Jesus, 

only you can save my life." 

-Sidewalk Prophets