To the girl...

To the girl who sits alone in the lunch room. To the girl who sits in the back of the classroom at an empty table. To the girl who cries alone in her closet so no one else will hear her.

You matter.

To the girl who doesn't get picked to play at recess. To the girl who doesn't get invited to sleepovers. To the girl who gets left out of group messages.

You matter.

To the girl who will bend over backwards to help someone but doesn't get anything in return. To the girl who smiles because she doesn't want everyone to know how much she's falling apart. To the girl who wonders if things will ever change or if she even deserves for things to change.

You matter.

But no matter how many times you hear it, you're not going to believe it. That's just the way you are. You're the type of person that sees worth in everyone else but yourself. You see beauty in everyone else but yourself. But guess what?

You are beautiful. You are worth it. You matter.

You've probably heard over and over again the fact that God loves you and that you're not alone. But who actually believes that? You probably don't. But whether or not you believe it doesn't make it any less true. You have been chosen for this life you are living because God doesn't always call the popular kids or the people who have successful lives. He calls the tax collectors, the fishers, or an ordinary virgin... he doesn't call the extraordinary. He picks the ordinary and the outcasts time and time again.

You are loved. You are chosen. You matter.

To the girl who's alone... and crying... and wondering whether it's ever going to change. I hear you. I feel you. Because I am you. I am that girl. This is my life.

It's easy for me to write this on my blog and make it look nice and neat and pretty. But it's not. If you are one of these girls then you know. We can read these pretty words all day long and maybe start to believe it in our heads but it seems like it will never make its way into our hearts. But until that day comes, we will just have to keep telling ourselves these pretty words.

We deserve the best. We deserve to be picked first. We matter.

We are beautiful. We are worth it. We matter.

We are loved. We are chosen. We matter.

"What if I fall.... oh, my darling, what if you Fly?"

If I say change....does that make you excited? Or does it make you anxious... nervous? Have you ever had a huge change in your life that made you so excited and happy yet completely terrified at the same time? 

I believe that everyone experiences this kind of change every once in a while in their lives. It may happen at any point in our lives. Mine came when I was about to graduate from high school and I knew that everything would change. There are several things that can happen during a huge change such as this, and I had people from my graduating class do both of these. You can choose to stay where you are, in your comfort zone and continue to do what you know and what you are comfortable with or you can choose to jump into the unknown. 

I chose the latter. 

I was at war with myself for a while during my senior year of high school. Should I stay at home and continue doing what I know? Should I be brave and take a chance? My answer came when I received a ballet scholarship to study at Friends University. At this moment, I knew I had to leave. I was very excited but underneath that, I was also terrified. I had to leave Texas, my family, my home, my friends, my comfort zone, and all that I had known and move to Kansas to live with someone I didn't know, go to classes with people I didn't know, and dance under teachers I wasn't familiar with. It was terrifying. 

Some people may know this but there were many times during my first semester that I almost gave in to the fear that was surrounding me. I almost moved back home, stopped dancing all together, and just quit. Life was testing me and I almost gave up. Thankfully, I didn't. I am still dancing, still going to Friends, and still continuing to grow in myself and my abilities. 

This journey that I am on has not been easy in any way. I have been challenged and knocked down more times than I care to count. I have cried more tears than I care to remember and I have been in pain more times than I care to write about. The one thing that has stuck with me since senior year is this idea of flying. My parents said at the end of my blessing video for graduation, "now, you can fly." I didn't really know what that would mean back then, but I think I do now. Flying has always been an image that I hold in my head and I can relate to. In order to fly, you have to take off against the wind. I didn't know it at the time but as I left for college I was definitely going against the wind. Turning around and just letting the wind carry me would have been easier, and I almost did that. But since I started here, I haven't turned around. I have pushed into the wind and stood my ground. You will never be able to fly with the wind at your back so stand strong in the change. Grow and live through the change and maybe in those moments you will start to fly and just maybe find out who you truly are.

"She took the leap and built her wings on the way down." 

Life is an adventure and sometimes it takes jumping over the edge in order to truly know what you are made of. You might fall and fail.... but what if you learn to fly instead?

The God who Believes in Me

If you have lived for any length of time then you have probably been told that you couldn't do something. Now, I'm not talking about the... you can't have another cookie because you've already had two, type thing. I'm talking about the... you can't because you are too fat. You can't because you are too short. You can't because you're not good enough.

These comments that people tell us, are like pages that turn into chapters that eventually turn into books. We stash those books in a library that we keep in our mind. We pull them out, read over them, and let the words inside have power over our lives.

I can't go on pointe in ballet because of my flat feet. I can't partner because I weigh too much. I can't get into a ballet program in college because of my technique level. I can't be a dancer because I won't be able to support myself.

#ICANT

It may feel like the whole world is against you. Everyone tells you good luck and
laughs when you try. You try and try and never get picked. You work hard and never get a moment in the spotlight. Regardless of how many people are against you, there is always one who will always be for you.

I believe in the God who believes in me. I believe in the God who encourages and supports me. No matter what.

No matter how many times people tell me that I can't, he will always tell me that I can. He believes in me, he supports me, and he encourages me to believe in myself. He helps me to change the I can't into the I can. He gives me a glimpse that for once, maybe I can.

#ICAN

*I can take no credit for the #ICAN in this post. The creator of the #ICAN movement is a good friend of mine. His blog can be found at https://thefredtimes.wordpress.com/ or @thefredtimes on Twitter. If you liked this, subscribe to my page and then go subscribe to his! 

For the "Happy" Kids

Have you ever listened to someone's testimony and thought that you could never compare to that?

Have you ever listened to stories from friends about struggles in their lives that are worse than anything you've gone through?

This is for the "happy" kids. 

The ones who grew up in a solid family.

The ones who didn't have anyone close to them die.

The ones who believed in God by the time they were 3. 

The ones who were just ordinary. 

I am one of those kids.

For years I went to church, and heard countless testimonies about near death experiences, drugs, alcohol, broken families, fatal diseases... and the list goes on. For years, I thought I didn't measure up, I thought that my story didn't matter because I was just ordinary. I thought that I didn't matter. And, I still think that.

But like I said earlier, this is for the "happy" kids. And why do I say that?

Because if you are like me, you are expected to be "happy." My parents are not divorced, I'm not living on food stamps, I'm not addicted to cocaine, have an eating disorder, sleep around...

So the world says:

I'm supposed to be "happy."

I can't be a leader because I haven't gone through anything.

I cannot connect with people who have gone through stuff because I wouldn't understand.

And I can't ever be an inspiration to someone, because my life is ordinary. 

If you are like me, then you may think that you don't matter. That your story doesn't matter. You may think, people could care less about your life. I just want to tell you that your story matters. You matter.

I was reading a book the other day and the author was talking about what it took back in Jesus's time for a young boy to become a Rabbi. The boy would have to memorize and recite all the scripture that was recorded at the time as well as historical facts and countless other things. The higher in his education he got, the more intense it became. Most boys didn't make it to the top and dropped out to learn their family trade. The ones who made it were considered the elite, the best of the best. In order for them to finish their education, they had to go to work under a current Rabbi. They would go to a Rabbi and ask to work with them. After what seemed like an interrogation, the Rabbi would either accept the boy to come and work under him, or say no. If he said no, the boy would go back and learn his family trade. Those Rabbi positions were highly sought after and only few were called. Those few, we could say, have been through the most "stuff." They had the most to their name and had endured what most people hadn't. 

Let's jump from that, and look over at Jesus. He comes into town and calls the fishermen, the tax collectors, the carpenters... these were guys who never made it to the top. They didn't have anything to their name. They were "ordinary." When Jesus came, he didn't call the men with the best testimony or the hardest life story. He called on the "ordinary," "happy" kids. 

So when you are tempted to think that:

 you aren't important

that you don't matter

that you don't have an important role to play...

... remember this.

God called you. 

And God called me. 

Your story matters. 

What 30 Days Without Makeup Taught Me

In my last post, I mentioned that I went to Colorado with a group from my college. One of the things that really stuck with me after the trip is that I don't want to have to hide. For years, I hid behind ballet, theater, makeup, horses, or anything that I could. I didn't want people to see the real me, so I hid. I decided after the retreat that I would challenge myself to go 30 days without makeup as a reminder to myself that I don't need to hide behind anything. I don't know if any other girls can relate to me, but I HATED myself without makeup. I hated my red blotchy skin and my blonde eyelashes. I thought I looked ugly and gross without makeup, so I wore it everywhere I went. On the retreat, I realized that this is one of the things I hide behind. I needed makeup to make me feel like I was beautiful. I thought that girls wouldn't accept me and guys wouldn't like me. I needed makeup to make me feel like I belonged, I needed it to make me feel my age, and I needed it because I didn't want people to see how I really looked. I never grew up as one of those girls that had a complete makeup set by the time that they were 12. But over time, I grew to use it as a crutch. It hindered my ability to really be myself, because I felt like I had to have everything figured out when I put on makeup. I was trying to give this persona that I had everything together when I really didn't. So, because of all that, I decided to go 30 days without it. That was 30 days ago.

At first, it was extremely difficult. I would be so tempted to just put on a little bit of mascara or powder just to make myself feel better. I would look in the mirror and absolutely hated what I would see. I felt ugly and out of place around girls who were all dolled up. About half way through, I realized that I can be comfortable without it, and started to enjoy not having to take the time to put it on and take it off every day. But it wasn't until the very end that I realized I loved this challenge. It helped me see myself in a way that I haven't been able to before. I saw that the beauty that makeup brings is only superficial. It isn't real. What's real is on the inside and if people can't see that, then they don't deserve to be in your life. I learned that makeup doesn't make me happy. I learned that makeup doesn't complete me and it doesn't satisfy me. I learned that makeup doesn't define me. I learned that beauty by today's standards is only skin deep and I would hate for that standard to define me. I am defined by so much more than what's on the outside. When people get to know me, I want them to see my passions and my dreams, not just a well put together face. I learned that I shouldn't wear makeup to impress guys. If I want a guy to love me for me, then it shouldn't matter what I look like on the outside. He should want to get to know me, what I love, what I hate, and everything in between. I will be definitely doing this again and I highly recommend it to anyone that may relate to this in any way.

Strength in Weakness

I recently went on a retreat to Colorado with a group from my college. After having a difficult summer, I was not sure that I was ready to be around people again. People that might see me. But I went anyway, and I was definitely changed when I came back. Here is something that I had written in my journal during the trip.

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was invisible. I hid behind ballet, and theater, and horses. I layered on the makeup, just to feel secure. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be invisible. Because to me, being transparent was being weak. Being transparent would mean showing everyone how not strong you were. It would mean trusting that they would see the real you. It would mean trusting that they wouldn't see you as just another flaw or imperfection. But I knew that wouldn't happen. The people I was surrounded by were cruel, judgmental, and they would jump at the chance to hurt me further. They didn't care. So, I never said anything. I kept it all inside. Kept it all buried beneath my makeup, my fake smiling face, and my masks that I always wore. 

Let's re-imagine a case where that wasn't true. What if in our weakness we can be made strong? I know you've heard that said, and it seems kind of cheesy. But what if, it were actually true. I think by telling people our weaknesses we can begin to be made whole. Because that's what authentic community looks like. It's a group of people, building each other up in their weaknesses instead of judging and tearing each other down. What if community looked like that? What if we could bring that kind of community to everyone? What if a community was so strong that you grew closer through your weaknesses? I think that's what it's like to find strength in your weakness.

Give Up Your Keys

Surrender. Such a common word that packs such a powerful meaning. What does it mean to surrender? What does it look like to give up control? Before I could drive, I never realized what a huge responsibility that it is. Now that I can drive, I realize how many times that I don't want to give up the keys. I don't want to release the control that I would have if I were driving. I went to Colorado with a college group the other day and I realized that I had to give up my control. I had to surrender my fears and trust that the driver would get us there safely. You never think about it, but as I looked around in the van, I realized that everyone was sleeping. They trusted the driver and surrendered. It is the same thing in our lives. We have to trust God and surrender ourselves so he can take control of our life. We have to give up our keys and let him lead. Surrender.