What I learned in a year...

I can't believe it has been a year. What a painfully wonderful and beautiful year of growing and learning and overcoming. I learned in a year how to fight for myself when you wouldn't fight for me. Because you let me go I learned how to hold myself close. I learned that my own happiness comes first and I should never sacrifice who I am to please anyone else. I learned that pain is a great teacher. I learned how to value myself, my thoughts, and my feelings through the hurt.

The Rachel I was a year ago is not the same person living and breathing today. The Rachel on October 14, 2016 was broken. She was destroyed beyond recognition. She didn't even recognize her own face in the mirror. The girl standing in the mirror on October 14, 2017 may look the same but inside she feels different. What was broken has healed, although the scars will forever remain. What was destroyed is whole once again.

I was promised something a little over a year ago and that promise was broken. So instead of waiting for another promise to be broken, I am making a promise to myself. I promise to know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I promise to not allow anyone to have my heart without proving themselves. This is what I promise to myself. I promise to love myself and take care of myself even when no one else does.

I know this season of growth isn't over but I'm so amazed at how far I have come. I've learned that always sometimes isn't enough. That forever sometimes comes to an end. That love can hurt sometimes. But having courage to face the next day and being kind to yourself on the bad days makes all the difference.

Room of Marvels

This post is a bit of a throwback. I read the book, Room of Marvels by James Bryan Smith and was inspired to write this.

I've been stuck. Stuck in this place that has no way out. As I look at the walls growing steadily higher around me I feel lost. I feel so far away from hope; so far away from any chance of being saved. I am sure that there is no way that God could love me and there is no way anyone else could either. I am alone. Everyday I climb and climb but it only feels like I’m falling further and further into this pit.

I am determined to not let anyone know what is going on inside of me. I don’t want them to know how far down I have dropped. So, I put on this mask and pretend that everything is okay. I’m happy, I’m successful, I love life, and I love God and ultimately, everybody thinks I’ve got it all together and I’m doing great. Right? Wrong! That’s what people may think and see but in reality I keep falling further and further from the love I am so desperately seeking (or so I think). I attempt to control my life and control my circumstances in a way that puts me in charge and gives me power but this only makes me feel less and less in control. The more I fake my way through life and attempt to control everything, the more I feel like I’m falling down and falling out of control.

As I read this book by James Bryan Smith, I struggled with myself. How could I, a student leader in Campus Ministries, someone who works in a church have fallen so far out of touch with reality and with God? I laughed and cried my way through this book as if someone was telling the story about my life. Throughout the story, the main character was forced to do things that made him forgive himself, be real with others, and give up his burning desire to control everything in his life. First, he was forced to look in a mirror and forgive himself. I don’t know about you, but I just wondered how many times do I look in the mirror and only condemn myself further? Instead of showing love to myself and forgiving myself, I only show hate and judgement which causes me to slide further and further down. Next, he was forced to take off his mask, give it a good look and throw it away. This one is incredibly hard for me because honestly, sometimes I’m not sure what is real and what is not. My fake face is intertwined so expertly with my real face that I cannot always separate the two. But that’s the challenge. In order for me to ever accept the love of God and learn to accept the love from other people for who I really am instead of who I pretend to be, I have to get rid of my fake face. That’s the only way I can ever begin to heal. The last thing he had to do was to give up his control. I relate so much to this as I desire to control everything in my life. I want to control myself, others, and even the things that happen in my life. But ultimately, that is only going to drag me down. I have to learn to let go of my control and trust that God can and will carry me through this ride of a life.

As the main character nears the end of the story, he is allowed to see that the way he lived his life had a significant impact on others around him. This just made me think about the way I live my life and whether or not that is leaving a positive memory for others or a negative one. Whether I withhold love or I freely give it. Whether I judge everyone or accept them as they are. But I cannot even attempt to make an impact in someone else’s life until I attempt to make an impact in my own. I have to learn to love my real, vulnerable self and let God and others love me inside of my pit. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved because God loves me no matter how far down I have fallen or how helpless I may feel. Once I see how precious and loved I am, I can begin to love others with that same real love.

Sometimes Love Hurts

I haven't posted anything in a while but I have definitely been writing recently. I have a million ideas racing around in my brain but lately I haven't been able to come up with the right words to get them out. I think I've been weighed down emotionally by events that happened in my life last year that I never really talked about with anyone. I always say that through vulnerability comes healing. So maybe now it's time for me to fully heal.

A little over a year ago on April 10, 2016. I made a commitment to a man who would become an important part of my life. A year ago, I said yes when asked, "will you be my girlfriend." To most people that doesn't mean much, but I take that fairly seriously. I said yes to laughing and growing with this man. I said yes to caring for him and later learning to love him. I learned a lot in the next 6 months that would follow. I learned to trust him and ask him for help (which if anyone knows me, knows that I never like to ask for help). I learned how to respect him and care for him. I learned to put his needs above my own. I ultimately learned to love. Every day that passed, I learned more and more. I learned more about myself and about him and about what it means to love. He made a promise to me and I made a promise to him that went far beyond the bounds of a normal relationship. We were ready to be married to each other in the fall of this year. I would be engaged around this time. Those are the promises we made to each other. I wore a promise ring that he had given me and I thought we would be together forever and the day after that. 

I ended up moving away to Virginia and we broke up by the end of October. At the end of all of this I was lied to, I was called names, I was yelled at, and ultimately I was completely torn down. I learned so much in the relationship but I am learning so much more after it. I am learning how to love myself and trust others again. I am learning that the words that someone else speaks over you, do not define who you are. For every negative word that someone speaks over you, you have to spend twice as long speaking positive words over yourself, You are not the words someone else speaks over you. The hard part is believing that and learning to love yourself again after someone you loved tears you down. That's one of the hardest parts about love. You give your heart into the hands of someone else who may not always have your heart's best interest in mind. It took me three months to move on and I can honestly say I still hurt sometimes. I am still learning. I am still healing. But I guess that's how you know you really loved. And I know I can love again. It starts with loving myself and taking the time to bring people into my life who I can trust, who want the best for me.

He is currently married and starting a brand new chapter in his life. And me? Well, I've decided to keep learning, growing, and healing. I've decided it's time to do things that make me happy. It's time to live my life for myself and stop letting other people speak over my life. It's time to stop letting the words that people speak over me, define me. You are not who other's say you are. You are who you say you are. So be beautiful, happy, loving, caring, joyful. Be spontaneous and adventurous. Be a friend, be a hard worker, but most importantly? Be yourself!

No Pressure!

Pressure: the continuous physical force exerted on or against an object by something in contact with it. 

They say pressure can make or break you Pressure on the pedals of a bicycle will cause the wheels to turn and movement to begin. That same pressure exerted on a plastic cup or soda can will cause it to flatten and break. There are many different pressures and they come from many different places. Most of the pressures I experience on a day to day basis have to do with what my life looks like and what people think it should look like.

Everyone has a timeline in their head. A timeline of how they want their life to go. Sometimes these timelines are influenced by family or close friends. Mine in my head was always this: finish high school, go to college, fall in love, get a job, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. I've come to find out that God has a different timeline for my life. I did finish high school and went to college but then I transferred from there, transferred to my next college and withdrew from my third one. I fell in love and was close to marriage but I had my heart broken. People always ask me, what do you want to do? What makes you happy? Where are you going to school next? When are you going to finish your degree? What do you want to do with your degree? These questions and more plague me every minute of every day. I get tired and burned out by all the pressure put on me and all the things I think I should be doing. I realize that maybe my life doesn't have to look like everyone else's. Maybe the pressure being put on me is negatively affecting my efforts to be happy. Maybe my life is my own: to make my own mistakes and achieve my own success. Maybe my life doesn't have to fit on a timeline. Maybe I don't have to give into the pressures surrounding me on all sides everyday. I should be free to make my own mistakes and figure out the path of my own life. Nobody else can write out my story- only I can.

So maybe the timeline of my life looks a little funny. Maybe it has a couple of U-turns and wrong turns. Maybe I took the wrong exit a couple of times. If I keep letting the pressure from friends and family dictate my life, I will never end up where I want to be. So what if I don't have a college degree yet or a full time job. So what if I don't get paid to dance and only do it because I love it. So what that I never know how much money I will make in a month because I wait tables and my income in based on tips.

Everyone has pressure in their life somewhere. If you let this pressure rest on your shoulders, it can have the power to destroy you. Because most of the time we can never live up to what other people ask of us. The external pressure placed on me has led me to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and an all around feeling of not being good enough. This life is mine and it's time that I start living it for myself. It's time that I shake off the pressure resting on me; pressure to conform to the timelines of everyone else. It's my life and I'm going to live it for me!

Dealing with Disappointments

I started my season out strong this year. It took me a while to adjust but I found my love of ballet again. I had been hurt by directors so many times in the past and I was excited to have a fresh start- a clean slate. I got stronger and stronger and happier and happier. About a month into the season I started experiencing pain in my ankle and foot. As a dancer, I ignored it for a while until it became too painful to dance and even work. I went in to see a local doctor who works with the dancers. I was half expecting stress fracture or something of the sort. She looked at my x-rays and I realized the evil monster lurking in my closet had reared its ugly head again. She asked me if anyone had ever told me I had an extra bone in the back of my ankle. I said yes and immediately felt my heart sink. We talked for a while and the conversation ended up at the fact that my problems will only get worse from here if I want to keep doing ballet professionally. This little bone is called an Os Trigonum and it has plagued me for my entire dance life. I got an MRI done and went to see a surgeon who has worked with many dancers before. He confirmed my worst fear... anything else I try to do will only delay the inevitable. If I want to keep dancing on pointe, I have to get it taken out. My surgery is scheduled for December 8th at 9am. The doctor is going to make an incision and take the little bone out.

In less than an hour, the company I dance for will be performing The Nutcracker. I absolutely love this ballet. Every year it brings children and families together to experience the job and magic of this beloved Christmas favorite. Every time I perform the snow scene I can't help but smile as the snow falls perfectly to the stage and the dancers create an elegant scene. I know how it feels from both sides and it is pure magic and joy. The looks on children's faces make all the hours of rehearsals worth it. I have been doing ballet for 8 years now and every year I have performed in The Nutcracker. I would never want to trade it for anything else in the entire world.

This year I am unable to perform. It honestly did not really hit me until today- opening night. I'm seeing all the excited pictures and posts and the disappointment flooded over me. I just watched the video from dress rehearsal and I was overwhelmed. But maybe that's a good thing because I can't feel the pain in my ankle when all I feel is the pain in my heart.

There are always going to be disappointments in life. I'm choosing to not let this one win. I'm choosing to stay positive and to choose to come back even stronger. I'm choosing to have hope that next year I will be dancing again. Next year, I will be in the Nutcracker. No matter what. The measure of winning or losing is not about how many disappointments overtake us. The measure is in how we deal with the disappointments that come our way.

Is It Worth It?

Ballet will never be "worth it." You don't hit a magical point in your training and realize, "oh! All of this work was worth it." You might have little moments like that but there is always more to do, you can always get better. Ballet will never be worth the time we put into it. Ballet will never be worth the pain we put into it. Ballet will never be worth it. But there is something that is...

Seeing that smile on a little girl's face when she sees you in a tutu. Having your teacher say she is proud of you. Inspiring a young girl to dance again after she quit because of disappointments.

Ballet doesn't give you anything back. You can give and give all day long and ballet won't give back, it just takes. It won't ever be "worth it." But the things it takes from us are certainly worth everything. Ballet takes determination. Ballet takes courage. It takes bravery. It takes fearlessness. It takes confidence, patience, and passion. Those are the things that make ballet "worth it." I would not be who I am today without ballet in my life. Ballet is one of those things that many have done but few are good at. It's not just about technique, it's about heart. If you give it all you've got then that alone will be worth it.

The Story My Hands Tell

My hands were made to be strong. They tell a story. They tell a story of who I am and what I have gone through.

I started lifting at the beginning of the summer and have grown to love it. Since then I have these hard spots starting to develop on my hands. Most people call them calluses. I tend to think of them as a positive thing whereas most people view them as something negative. A callus by definition is a thickened or hardened part of the skin especially in an area that has been subjected to friction. Friction is the action of one surface or object rubbing against another. My hands became tough as a result of the abrasion of the weights in my hands. But the calluses only started to form after my hands were rubbed raw. My calluses formed only after I had gone through the pain.

The same is true about life. I didn't find strength until I was at my weakest. I didn't find purpose until I thought I was worthless. I have not come through the first part of my life unscathed. I have many calluses to show and I wear them proudly. Each one tells a story of how life was painful and I was rubbed raw but how I ended up stronger as a result. They tell the story of who I am. I wouldn't be me without them. My hands are signs of victory. My hands speak of life, hope, purpose, inspiration, peace, joy... What do your hands tell you?